Smells Like Dove Nutrium

Last night I went to Wal*Mart after work to pick up a few things we needed at home, and I found myself wandering into the soap-and-body-wash aisle.

I didn’t need soap or body wash – we have plenty of both at home – but I’m kind of a tramp for things that smell good and I get tired of the soap and body wash we have at home really quickly so I was thinking about buying some more.

But despite the fact that I can identify almost any brand of soap or body wash via smell alone, I still must smell every brand before I decide what to get.

So I started grabbing bottles of body wash and flipping open the lids and sniffing.

I’m pretty sure I was sniffing Dove Nutrium when I had a hand twitch and squeezed, causing the bottle to shoot a bunch of Dove Nutrium directly up my nose, like all the way to my brain. I shot enough of it up my nostril that I got that burning inhaled-pool-water sensation, and I quickly closed the bottle and replaced it on the shelf and grabbed for my nose.

And my nose was seriously full of body wash.

Did I have tissues in my bag? No, of course I didn’t. And I had a cart full of stuff that I couldn’t abandon, and the bathroom was a long way away. And I wasn’t about to go running to the bathroom with a nose full of body wash that was starting to ooze, because what if it bubbled?

I stood there cupping my body-wash-filled nose in the empty aisle for a while wondering how the hell to handle this, and then I made what is probably a pretty gross decision, but hey – in bad situations, you have to make do.

So I kind of scooped up what I was able to get in my hand without like digging or anything, and with a quick snap of my wrist, I flicked the excess out into the aisle where it probably made an old lady slip and break her hip and then she can sue Wal*Mart when really it was all my fault. I rubbed my hands together for a few minutes to rub in the leftover.

And then I kind of snorted up the rest of the body wash in the upper brain region of my nose and headed toward the checkout, after which I raced to the bathroom to wash my hands.

I decided not to buy body wash yesterday after all, but I still imagine I can smell Dove Nutrium today.

8 Replies to “Smells Like Dove Nutrium”

  1. So i guess you proved that Trump was wrong. People do use body wash on thier face without water to wash it off!

  2. Oh my gosh, you kill me. Awesome story! (And what’s with the disloyalty to Target? The Evil Empire? I’m surprised!)

Comments are closed.