Smells Like Dove Nutrium

February 11, 2005

Last night I went to Wal*Mart after work to pick up a few things we needed at home, and I found myself wandering into the soap-and-body-wash aisle.

I didn’t need soap or body wash – we have plenty of both at home – but I’m kind of a tramp for things that smell good and I get tired of the soap and body wash we have at home really quickly so I was thinking about buying some more.

But despite the fact that I can identify almost any brand of soap or body wash via smell alone, I still must smell every brand before I decide what to get.

So I started grabbing bottles of body wash and flipping open the lids and sniffing.

I’m pretty sure I was sniffing Dove Nutrium when I had a hand twitch and squeezed, causing the bottle to shoot a bunch of Dove Nutrium directly up my nose, like all the way to my brain. I shot enough of it up my nostril that I got that burning inhaled-pool-water sensation, and I quickly closed the bottle and replaced it on the shelf and grabbed for my nose.

And my nose was seriously full of body wash.

Did I have tissues in my bag? No, of course I didn’t. And I had a cart full of stuff that I couldn’t abandon, and the bathroom was a long way away. And I wasn’t about to go running to the bathroom with a nose full of body wash that was starting to ooze, because what if it bubbled?

I stood there cupping my body-wash-filled nose in the empty aisle for a while wondering how the hell to handle this, and then I made what is probably a pretty gross decision, but hey – in bad situations, you have to make do.

So I kind of scooped up what I was able to get in my hand without like digging or anything, and with a quick snap of my wrist, I flicked the excess out into the aisle where it probably made an old lady slip and break her hip and then she can sue Wal*Mart when really it was all my fault. I rubbed my hands together for a few minutes to rub in the leftover.

And then I kind of snorted up the rest of the body wash in the upper brain region of my nose and headed toward the checkout, after which I raced to the bathroom to wash my hands.

I decided not to buy body wash yesterday after all, but I still imagine I can smell Dove Nutrium today.

Filed under: the idiocy files


  • 1. jim  |  February 11, 2005 at 2:12 pm


  • 2. jim  |  February 11, 2005 at 2:12 pm


  • 3. Jessie  |  February 11, 2005 at 2:32 pm

    hahaha, you made me laugh out loud. what a great story. :)

  • 4. Lauren  |  February 11, 2005 at 4:48 pm

    Did you see The Apprentice last night?

    This could definitely be their commercial!

  • 5. Amy Bo Bamy  |  February 11, 2005 at 6:17 pm

    OMG Lauren beat me to it! When I saw the title I immediately thought of the Apprentice. :)

    Too funny! :)

  • 6. annika  |  February 12, 2005 at 8:02 pm

    So i guess you proved that Trump was wrong. People do use body wash on thier face without water to wash it off!

  • 7. Beth  |  February 14, 2005 at 11:09 am

    Oh my gosh, you kill me. Awesome story! (And what’s with the disloyalty to Target? The Evil Empire? I’m surprised!)

  • 8. loriestories » It&#&hellip  |  December 19, 2005 at 3:01 pm

    […] My skin, because it is totally scaly and itchy and falling off, even though I’m using Dove Nutrium body wash, that Olay Moisturinse in-shower lotion stuff, AND Nivea body lotion after I shower. It’s horrible. […]

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