I’m very contemplative and kind of moody today. I got an email last night from a close friend with some bad news, and I called to see how he was doing, and we talked for awhile. He was pretty upset, and it killed me to hear him in such pain and not be able to do anything about it. I’m not much of a fixer, really, but when people I love are hurting, I’d do anything to make that stop. It bothers me so much that I usually cry for them too. But unfortunately there isn’t anything I can do to make things better. There rarely is.
On the way to work today I was thinking about this girl SK whom I was friends with in high school. SK was a really sweet girl, very smart, with a devout loyalty to her faith. (Strangely, her loyalty became such that in college she stopped spending time with people who didn’t share it.) Anyway. We were friends. And one time, near the end of our senior year, she told me that I reminded her of a character in a book she’d read. For the life of me I can’t remember what book it was.
But apparently this woman in this book was really successful in her career, but was always alone. Whether by choice or not, I don’t know. And SK told me that she saw me that way too, that she predicted I’d turn out to be pretty successful but that I might always be alone.
As bad as it looks, she didn’t mean it in a hurtful way. But it has haunted me since she said it, and though I’m still young, I worry about it.
For as long as I’ve known, I’ve never been a part of any social circle. I’m always the one floating on the fringes of two or three different groups. I have a handful of friends, and they all run in different groups, and occasionally I’m invited to join in for some activity or other, and I nearly always go, and I usually have a pretty good time.
But I never have a group of girls I hang out with, or a group of guys, or a group of anyone. It’s always just me, driving in my little blue car to meet someone else’s group. And it’s not that I’m excluded – no one ever causes me to feel this way. It’s just that I’m not a part of that group. And it bothers me sometimes that I don’t have that.
Am I mistaken in thinking that most other people do? Or are more people like me than I think?