watching the wide world riot and hiding out

As a human being, I am constantly becoming.

I used that the other day kind of flippantly to explain to a friend why I nearly reached the age of twenty-eight without owning Bob Marley’s Legend. Or any other Bob Marley albums, for that matter.

But it applies to so many other things, too. I am learning. I am growing. I am changing. And I hope I’m never finished.

I have been quiet here for a while because I have had a few very challenging months. I was really torn about how to handle things during that time. It was kind of weird because for the last five years I’ve worked a lot of stuff out right here in this space, but this time I just didn’t have the energy or the strength or the inclination to lay myself bare. My withdrawal here has kind of mirrored withdrawal in my personal life. It was really easy to blame it on my phenomenally stressful project, but though it’s not done and may never be done, its immediate demands have mostly fallen away and that did not solve everything.

So here I sit, a few days into 2008, and I still can’t bring myself to sum up 2007 the way I usually do at the end of a year. I am not sure if, when all is said and done, it’s going to land as a bad year or a good year. A little of both, maybe. But since a lot of the tough stuff has come in the later part of the year it’s caused me to lose perspective. It is difficult sometimes to keep your eyes on the good stuff when you’re constantly trying to spot it through the bad.

And, you know, that reads very dramatic I suppose, but nothing catastrophic happened last year. I don’t want to say nothing happened at all, because that’s not true. Things happened. But mostly they were little things that piled on. Little work things, little personal things, little health things, little family things, little financial things…it’s tough to hold so many little things in one basket, and the effort can be exhausting.

So recently I’ve been looking at all the little things in that basket. I’m trying to figure out which ones I can let go because they’re unimportant, and which ones I must set aside because I cannot control them, and which ones I need to continue to carry because they are really and truly my responsibility. So far this is working out okay. I am feeling lighter already. But there really is a lot of crap in that stupid basket, and I know that sorting through it all is going to take some time and some work.

I am fine, or I’m going to be fine. I’m not sure which yet, but either outcome is okay with me. I promise to write a little more and I’ll do my best to be a little more forthcoming when I can.

So…um…have you seen Juno yet? If not, you really should as soon as you can. It’s quite excellent, and would be a fabulous way to spend a couple of hours this week. Or, even better, go now. Stop whatever you’re doing, stop reading this stupid website, and go to the movies. And report back to me if you do.


8 Replies to “watching the wide world riot and hiding out”

  1. woohoo you’re back!!!!!

    so i glad things have calmed down and you will get through other things too.

    oh and i would run out right now and see the movie but somehow mary might not like me just leaving to go see a movie, but hey i could be wrong…

  2. Wow… It’s funny that we had similar thoughts about this. I said nearly the same things in a paper I wrote for my diversity class last month… I’m gonna send it to you.

  3. “Next Year” is one of my favorite songs. Glad you’re back, but don’t worry about us. Write here only when it’s good for you. Juno was TOTALLY AWESOME. I wish there had been more Michael Cera, but you can’t always get what you want.

  4. Was that you who left the comment on my blog about the Focus poster? I have had that poster for nearly a year, and never got around to hanging it. I think the time has come.

  5. Happy New Year! :)

    I’ve bought Legend three, YES THREE different times over the years only to have friends borrow them and never give it back. But I guess I can’t blame them, it’s good stuff. I may have to go out and get my fourth this weekend. Have a good one!

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