It Probably All Balances Out

My sisters like to make fun of me pretty much all the time because I am way more awesome than they are, particularly in the following totally important and life-shaping areas:

  1. High school class ranking;
  2. Competitiveness, cost, and national ranking of chosen college;
  3. Yearly salary (evidently failing to consider that they are all still in high school & college);
  4. Spelling ability;
  5. IQ;
  6. Singing ability;
  7. General all-around kickassitude;
  8. Breast size.

However, Sammi pointed out recently that there are three areas where I am totally the family loser:

  1. Gaydar. Mine’s really faulty. It’s faulty to the point that when Michael Stipe announced he was gay, I was the only person in the entire universe who was like, “OMG! Michael Stipe is gay?!”
  2. Fluid retention. On road trips, we have to build in extra traveling time so that I can stop several times to pee.
  3. Geographical aptitude, or directional sense, or whatever.

My tendency to get lost has been well-documented here, but last week we discovered another facet of the problem. See, I’m almost always right. And I’m used to being almost always right. And I’m a bossy-assed know-it-all and the oldest and all that, so what happens is that I read a map, and I’m sure I know where we’re going. And if you don’t know me well and you aren’t careful, I will almost certainly convince you that I know where we’re going. The problem is that I will be dead wrong 99% of the time. So it’s good that I have sisters who are aware of this fact and will let me pretend to know where we’re going before gently steering us in the right direction, which is generally the opposite direction from the one I’d have chosen.

The good news is that I’m pretty good at admitting when I’m wrong, so I don’t get mad when this happens.

At least I’ll probably always have a bigger rack than they will.

12 Replies to “It Probably All Balances Out”

  1. Michael Stipe is gay?

    …was going to write more but got carried away. I’ll post to scattershot when I can log on after work.

  2. I suppose whether or not things balance out could depend on the intergrity of the bra.

    …you know.

    Also, I’ve got a question: Initial Queeziness ranks as a positive attribute? Internal Quietude?

    I Quit?

  3. Hey, I teach gay and lesbian studies, and Michael Stipe’s coming out surprised me.

    I wish to read a long post on the various qualities that make up “kickassitude”. Not that I dispute your superiority in this regard, just want to know the terms.

  4. You may have a bigger rack, but all of that could change should one of them decide to make a “larger purchase.” :)

  5. Maps schmaps. I think those of us who are directionally challenged (but only in comparison to those nerve-addled freaks who demand the shortest possible route everywhere) get to experience more. We’re treated to extra adventures almost every time we set out on an adventure! It’s lovely that way.

    Now that I think about it, I don’t think I even have a map in my car…which might explain why recently I missed the Mall of America (which is HUGE, by the way) and wound up driving a 50-mile loop around the Twin Cities (where I’ve lived for almost six years) just trying to find my way home. Dammit.

    But I saw things I had not seen before. I found a Japanese restaurant in the middle of nowhere…but have since forgotten what part of the middle of nowhere that was, so cannot return. (Dammit!) And did you know that Richfield, Minnesota has a Pump N Munch station?

  6. I’ma try to post again…to say that Michael Stipe made a big deal out of considering himself “Queer,” not gay. Apparently it’s an important distinction to him.

  7. I relise someone else said this already, but, sugar tits?

    Sorry, I was going to type something else about updating but I recalled Gibson and that drunken a-hole grin and then the end of this post and …well, there you have it.

  8. I see that now we truly find out the truth — Marc Lamarre and Jamey Singleton started taking anabolic steriods and then switched to heroin. I truly do not understand the situation, they were both in great shape — why would they have to take steriods — who know that we had our very own Jose Canseco of meterology.

    Robbie Irby
    Gladys, Virginia

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