Last night, we’re all sitting eating dinner in front of American Idol. Yes, we are that family. Shut up. Anyway, so we’re watching and eating and all of a sudden something happens that causes me to suck in a sudden gasp of air, and the sharp intake of breath causes the piece of meat I’ve just put in my mouth to lodge directly in my throat.
This has never happened to me before, as far as I can remember. Sure, there have been plenty of times when a little bit of something or another went down the wrong pipe, but this piece of meat is completely blocking my airway.
I can’t speak. I can’t breathe. My family is glued to American Idol. And in that brief, brief moment of absolutely blind panic, here’s what I think:
Oh my god I can’t breathe holy fucking shit this is no good and no one is looking at me and I’m going to choke to death and die on a piece of friggin’ steak and my family’s going to notice after I’m dead on the floor and be like “Oh, no biggie, we can just do CPR and bring her back but first let’s see how Diana Degarmo does” and also I think Nanie’s chihuahua died from choking on a piece of meat so I’m going to die just like a yappy little dog and oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap….
And then, seconds later, the killer meat became dislodged. I think it fell into my lung. And I sucked in the biggest, hugest, most grateful breath I’ve ever taken and proceeded to begin coughing my face off. Which really sucked, and hurt. I seriously coughed so long and so hard that I nearly vomited, and my throat was so trashed that I spent the rest of the evening barely able to speak.
I’m still coughing today, which I think is mostly pollen-related, but I think the killer steak is also involved somehow. That was pretty scary.
And I’m walking around with a piece of steak in my lung today.
TMI? Yeah, maybe. But up until this point my greatest memory of oxygen deprivation involves getting cocky on an innertube in a California hotel pool, falling in the deep end, and swallowing about three gallons of pool water. And I was something like 6 at the time. So I felt like sharing.
In retrospect, of course we’re all laughing and joking about it, because that’s what my family does.