Little Miss Perkypants

You guys! I am feeling better!

Yesterday after sleeping for about 14 hours straight under the influence of some hard-core narcotic cough syrup, I woke up feeling significantly better than I did on Wednesday. I felt so much better, in fact, that I was accused of being perky yesterday.

And then I was called perky again today, by a completely different person in a completely different situation. And you know what? I AM perky* today. This is awesome.

I’m still coughing some, especially at night, but I expect that will continue for another day or two. In the meantime, feeling this much better means I have graduated to a new level of assholery. Formerly, I was the Whiny Sickie Asshole, and now I’m the New Lease On Life Asshole. This is probably a bit unfortunate, because other people I know are getting sick, and it’s probably my fault for exposing them to my germs. But they say they don’t feel well and I’m like, “Aw, I’m sorry you’re feeling bad! That sucks! Hey by the way, did I mention that I’m getting better?! And that I feel great?! I do! I feel great! I think I’m going to go swimming today! And walk around! And eat solid food! Awesome! I feel awesome! I AM AWESOME!”

And then God smites me by making me cough for the next ten minutes.

I attribute my success in not dying from a cold to the following:

• Throat Coat tea, ramen noodles, and ice cream – my staples for the last few days
• Finally getting several hours of Nyquil and/or hydrocodone-influenced sleep
• Aspirin, which worked better than anything else for the throat pain.

I will tell you a secret: it’s probably really just the whole 7-10 days thing my doctor told me, as it has been exactly 10 days since I started to feel crappy, and I currently feel so awesome that I might punch you in the face (nicely!) just to show you how much energy I have right now. But that would mean that my doctor knows what he’s doing, and although I love him, I can’t very well admit that he knows more than I do, so instead I like to think that my psychotically superstitious routine of Throat Coat tea and pickle juice gargling was what made me get better. Because, see, if I’m really melodramatically sick and I start to notice an improvement anywhere in the vicinity of something I’ve done, then I decide that whatever I did is the reason and I start to do it all the time. If I started to feel better shortly after tripping and falling down the stairs, I’d probably trip and fall down the stairs four times a day until I was completely over the cold. That makes tons of sense, doesn’t it?

So anyway, yeah. I’m back in the land of the living. Back like a heart attack, bitches.

*There is no chance whatsoever that I’m this perky because I’m still hopped up on and/or loopy from cold medicine. No sirree.