surely it’s the mirror

The mirror in the sun visor on my car is the most unflattering mirror in the history of EARTH.

In that mirror I am the ugliest person ever born. My eyes are small. My nose is huge. My PORES, good GOD, look like – like – like a really terrible and awkward metaphor that I erased. They’re fuckin’ galactic, is the point. I suddenly have a million pimples and weird lumpy bumpy spots and random hairs growing out of the center of my face. My skin is slack and sallow; I look like I haven’t slept well for weeks (which is largely true, but I thought I was faking it). Double chin? Hello. Stray eyebrow hairs? Word up. It’s all there, and it’s all ugly.

And it’s not just me. It’s so bad, in fact, that when Sam is riding shotgun and checks herself out in the corresponding visor mirror, she often exclaims something along the lines of “holy SHIT! Where did THAT grow from?” Because the mirror, you see, is the most unflattering mirror EVER.

I really don’t think we’re that ugly. I think it’s a combination of the angle of the mirror and the harsh morning sunlight that causes it. Or maybe I’m just in major denial.

But I really need to stop checking my appearance in that mirror in the morning before we leave for work, because nothing dumps on your day like looking in that mirror. Is it just my car, or what?

And while I’m at it, here’s a question for my female readers: Have you boarded a school bus since you grew hips?

Yeah. School bus aisles are not made for hips. Especially mine.

Not like I’m having body image issues today or anything.

8 Replies to “surely it’s the mirror”

  1. I'm glad you commented on the awkward metaphor there, it saves me from having to be a jerk.

    So, as awful as the mirror sounds (really, Lorie, just paste a large oval sticker that reads, “Princess” in pink and purple, glittered letters.) – what we all wanna know is, what were you doing on a school bus? (Oh, another thing School busses weren't made for – anybody over friggin' 5'8″

    :( Mirrors lie.

  2. Yeah, that metaphor sucks. It sucks so much that I'm tempted to edit it out, even though I don't often edit the crap I write here. And I haven't actually been on a school bus any time recently – I think I might have been on one briefly this summer – but I was stuck behind one for a long time this morning while it unloaded and got to thinking about the hip thing. And you're right about the height thing too – all of my tall friends have issues with school buses, among other things.

  3. Stray eyebrow hairs that hid from you earlier run rampant in natural sunlight. It's a dirty little trick they play for their own amusement.

  4. the hip/school bus thing sucks because it is indiciative of the mass mentality everyone seems to have nowadays. you saw at the football game how they expect everyone's ass to be the same size and fit in the same seat. sardines in a can is all we are to people who develop products. Sardines, with wallets, and no sense to buy something that fits.

  5. OH NO! You did it! You deleted the swiming pools of wealthy neighborhoods as seen by the sky!

    hahaha -that's great. You know, when people drop in just to glance at the site for updates as often as some do – it's hard to reconsider a phrase once it's up. Ah well, the line is funny now. (wuz kinda fuhny b4 too)

    I'm spacin' on little sleep – woooohoooo!

  6. HA, !a, I figured if I deleted it you'd be the first to put it in the comments. Luckily for you I won't abuse my editorial privilege and erase that comment. I just couldn't STAND to leave it in the entry, though. I'm not a terrible writer, in general, but THAT? Was SO. BAD.

  7. I have been tempted many times to run back in the house to get my tweezers after using the evil sunvisor mirror. It makes you look like a Sasquatch.

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