The mirror in the sun visor on my car is the most unflattering mirror in the history of EARTH.
In that mirror I am the ugliest person ever born. My eyes are small. My nose is huge. My PORES, good GOD, look like – like – like a really terrible and awkward metaphor that I erased. They’re fuckin’ galactic, is the point. I suddenly have a million pimples and weird lumpy bumpy spots and random hairs growing out of the center of my face. My skin is slack and sallow; I look like I haven’t slept well for weeks (which is largely true, but I thought I was faking it). Double chin? Hello. Stray eyebrow hairs? Word up. It’s all there, and it’s all ugly.
And it’s not just me. It’s so bad, in fact, that when Sam is riding shotgun and checks herself out in the corresponding visor mirror, she often exclaims something along the lines of “holy SHIT! Where did THAT grow from?” Because the mirror, you see, is the most unflattering mirror EVER.
I really don’t think we’re that ugly. I think it’s a combination of the angle of the mirror and the harsh morning sunlight that causes it. Or maybe I’m just in major denial.
But I really need to stop checking my appearance in that mirror in the morning before we leave for work, because nothing dumps on your day like looking in that mirror. Is it just my car, or what?
And while I’m at it, here’s a question for my female readers: Have you boarded a school bus since you grew hips?
Yeah. School bus aisles are not made for hips. Especially mine.
Not like I’m having body image issues today or anything.