hamster on a wheel

My mom sent me an email this week asking if I’d already gone to Nashville for the conference. I am telling you this just to illustrate how completely overwhelmed I am with everything in the world right now. Mom and I are pretty close and usually talk on the phone several times a week. The last time I talked to her was last week sometime, so she figured I’d gone to Nashville. Or that I’d died and the cats were feasting on my brains.

I haven’t written here. I haven’t prepared my insanely anal Excel spreadsheet for February yet. I haven’t cleaned the house. I have barely watched TV. I haven’t read or worked out or talked to friends much. I have just worked and worked and then conked out on the couch or fallen into bed. The last day I had off was January 21st. The next day I will have off is February 10th, unless I get insane and decide to come in to work that day. I will try not to do that.

I’m supposed to give a presentation at the conference on Tuesday and it isn’t finished yet. I have to make copies today so it’s not like I can work on it over the weekend. I’m supposed to catch a ride to the airport at 9:30 in the morning and I haven’t packed a damn thing or done my laundry in more than a week.

I’m a total stress eater. It’s terrible, and I was gaining weight anyway, and I feel like the damn Goodyear blimp right now. I own seven suits and not one of them fits, so I needed to get a new suit for the presentation next week, and I did finally go and pick it up last night but as I was shopping for it, I felt guilty, like I should have stayed at work. I should have worked on my presentation at home last night but I was just so tired and out of gas that I decided to watch Grey’s Anatomy instead. And then I fell asleep. And then I woke up and had a meltdown about a bill I forgot to pay, which in the long run and maybe in the short run is really not that big a deal, but it was the final straw and just, in my mind, one more sign that I am completely incompetent and cannot manage everything I am supposed to be managing right now. And I called someone close to me and cried and cried in the middle of the night, big hitching sobs like a little girl about how I can’t do this, I can’t do everything I’m supposed to do, and I was told that no job should ever make me feel this bad. But right now, it does.

And I know it will pass – well, I think it will pass, but I don’t know when – but in the meantime, I try to be logical and I try to be positive and I try to control the things I can control but I keep catching myself thinking that it’s not the job making me feel bad, but rather my personal failure.

13 Replies to “hamster on a wheel”

  1. Fortunately, I have the luxury of taking a vacation today, because I was about to climb right on the wheel behind you. Here’s to hoping it’ll get better soon.

  2. what do you DO for a living? i don’t have a job right now (long story), and i was starting to feel bad for myself, but shit. that sounds terrible. what are you doing that you aren’t having weekends!? that makes me mad (i inadvertently just hit the caps lock right before ‘that’ and i should have left it that way! :) )

  3. Well, last weekend I had to come in to move my office. This weekend I am going to a conference, so while it’s not WORK WORK, it’s work-related and I’ll be with all my coworkers and I won’t have much if any downtime, so I think it counts.

  4. My best advice right now is from that Neil Fiore guy:

    How much will all of this matter in a year?

    Do the main things, and give yourself some breaks. If you let yourself recharge, you will be able to be more efficient when working. Working efficiently instead of hearder is the key! And you can’t be efficient when your working mind isn’t getting the regular oil changes of time to rest.

  5. Jim’s advice isn’t bad.

    Hang in there. Pet something furry and cute. (Minds out of the gutter, kids!)

    Don’t worry about regular blogging, either; faithful readers won’t abandon you cause you take a week or three off.

  6. Just wanted to say that Lorie, YOU RAWK. You kick ass, all the time, even when you feel like you don’t — guaranteed there’s someone out there looking to you and believing you do. =)

  7. At least your not Rex Grossman. And you probably tackle better than the Bears’ secondary.

    That Staples “Easy Button” would really come in handy right about now for me too.

  8. Awww, I’m sorry you’re going through all this. Hang in there. Try to remember to breathe and shave those legs. Throughout all of this, *you’re* what’s most important.

  9. I read, “guaranteed there’s someone out there looking at you…” and that was weird.

    …but I’m sure it’s true. I bet that someone is watching right now – and that, my dear, should just help all those other concerns melt right away.

  10. Hang in there! I’m in the same boat right now, and I know it sucks. Dave has witnessed so many meltdowns in the past four weeks. It’s true, no job should make you feel this way. If you can’t find a way to make it better, then you should look for something different.

    And I should take my own advice.

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