Ivan, Your Timing Is Terrible

Oh my God, Ivan, pleeeeease stay away until at least Sunday. Please.

I know, dude. I know. Virginia’s a lovely place to visit. But just don’t. Especially not on Saturday freakin’ morning.

Do you think Ivan’s the type who’d fall for it if I, like, chucked a giant ham bone out toward the ocean? He’d be all “ham bone?” and go chasing after it and leave us alone? Maybe?

Because, see, I have my thing on Saturday. It’s a workshop, actually, for volunteers, and I have worked so hard for the past few weeks on it that I am going to be absolutely devastated if we have to cancel it. It’s fall, and every weekend is full, and if we don’t do it on Saturday I don’t know if/when we’ll be able to reschedule it.

And furthermore, we won’t know for sure if it’s going to be here by Friday night until Friday night, and that’s kind of too late to go canceling things for people traveling from out of town, and so I’m terrified that I’m going to put myself in peril driving an hour in torrential rain early on Saturday morning and then no one will show up and everyone will think I don’t know how to do anything.

I know how horribly selfish that sounds, that my primary reason for wanting Ivan to stay away is so that my hard work doesn’t go to waste, and it’s really not just that, but a lot of it is. I’m losing sleep over it. I’m checking the Weather Channel’s web site obsessively.

I never got around to writing about this last week, but when Frances lumbered on up the Eastern seaboard toward us, she kicked our asses. (That’s a slideshow, by the way, and pretty interesting.) It poured rain for about a day and a half straight, and pretty much every body of water around here flooded. On Wednesday morning my mom had to take detours to get to work, and I ended up leaving here in the middle of the day. I drove home, white-knuckled and shaking like a leaf, in the worst rain I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life, and stopped by the high school to get my sisters so they would have seat belts and wouldn’t have to ride the bus home in such bad conditions. Someone in the high school office told me that the two main roads leading toward Roanoke were closed due to flooding, and I knew from talking to my dad that a third road near our house was flooding. We ended up taking a long way around and making it home safely, but I was so worn out by the drive that I passed out on the couch about ten minutes after we got home.

The point? That was last Wednesday. The ground around here is still saturated, and the rivers and creeks are still full. They’re predicting anywhere from 4 to 10 inches of rain over the weekend, and I am certain that this much rain will cause a very bad situation. It will be dangerous, it will be expensive, and while it might not be a hurricane, there’s still going to be a lot of damage.

Gaaah. I’m freaking out and I don’t know what to do.

2 Replies to “Ivan, Your Timing Is Terrible”

  1. Let me be the first to say that your will and fortitude can see you through anything and, with a little thanks-giving, you'll welcome the challenge and, by the end, be a better, healthier, fitter you.
    Now, my suggestions are as follows – in the order given.
    1. Advise Everyone to wear white tee-shirts. Nothing is ever all that bad in a wet tee-shirt. White.
    2.Find a college boy in town to sleep with Friday night. Really, I can't believe, you haven't already lined up several for nights when you really just don't feel like driving.
    3. If everything comes off okay, people will still be wet and worried – provide them Coffee and Bailey's Irish Creme. Cocaine is also suggested. Just substitute the awful creamer they'll try and use. They won't notice anyway and you'll have their attention.
    4. Saturday night, whether the show's a go or no (and gives a blow by blow, won't ya?) you are advised to go home, the rest of the Irish Creme, situate yourself in front of the nintendo teevee in your pajamas with pillows and a blanket. Play nintendo 'til the liquor's done and then call me. :o)

  2. That was one serious storm! I live in Texas and all I could do was stay inside and entertain my pets ( cat=Amber, dog=Molly, & ferret=Rex). My backyard was a swamp, complete with mosqitoes & tadpoles for about a week.

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