the classiest cocktail party ever

One time last fall, we went to Harrisonburg to visit Ginny at JMU and to see a football game. She asked me to stay overnight at her apartment, saying that one of her roommates was having a birthday party and they expected it to be a good time. I’d never partied with her before, so I said sure.

After the game, we went back to her apartment where her roommates were getting ready for the party. Since, unlike Ginny, I was over 21 and had money, I offered to buy some more alcohol to cover her portion of the party (they were all chipping in together). I asked what they had and they pointed out the vodka, mixes, etc. and mentioned that they were also going to get some wine. I said I’d pick up a few bottles to help out and they said no, that roommate Jill was going to go pick up a few boxes of wine. I looked at them like wha? and said, “wine in a box?” and apparently they caught a vibe because they all looked at me like I’m a major snob and one was like “Not the crappy wine in a box. We’re going to get the GOOD wine in a box.” O-kay.

I should have known then that this would all end up badly.

So Ginny and I went to the store and ended up getting two veggie trays and some cranberry juice. When we came back the roommates were all “cleaning up for the party” and somehow my sister ended up doing the dishes and vacuuming the floor while the other roommates put out food and strung tinsel around a table. Then everyone decided to get ready.

For this party, I brought jeans and a nice shirt to wear. Reasonable attire for a college party, right? No, you would be wrong. Ginny tells me that the roommates want this to be like a “classy cocktail party” and they’re all dressing up. I see them, and they are. In nice dresses, dress pants, glittery tops, the whole nine yards. So then I feel uncomfortable in my jeans and nice shirt, thinking maybe JMU parties are different from Northwestern parties. Ginny asks roommate Jill, who is probably exactly the same size as I am, if she has anything I might be able to wear and roommate Jill cops a major ‘tude to say that she doesn’t have anything that will fit me. Suck it, Jill.

I end up wearing one of Ginny’s skirts and pinning it up a little bit. And I borrowed a pair of her shoes and wore all this with the shirt I’d brought.

The party gets started. People are showing up in STANDARD PARTY ATTIRE – jeans, button-down shirts, etc. After about ten minutes in the ridiculous skirt-and-heels ensemble I say fuck it and go back and change into jeans and bare feet, which is what I wear for the rest of the evening.

Freak roommates decided to play Never Have I Ever. Anyone who’s ever played this game knows that it tends to get pretty dirty and sexual. That’s the POINT, after all. But no. At THIS party, they say things like “Never have I ever worked at B. Moss” or “Never have I ever left my instrument in the music building” in an attempt to “slam” the other players. So that sucked. I chat up a boy sitting next to me and when I go to break the seal, he leaves because either the party was horribly lame, or I was. And if I was lame, I still blame the party.

THEN, all randomly, as people are getting drunker, roommate Jill goes to her room, gets a porn video, pops it in the VCR and starts playing it. The party begins to clear out immediately, and still they keep the tape playing because it’s “funny.” Now, don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with porn. Do your thing, you know?

But when you put on a PORN MOVIE at your fucking COCKTAIL PARTY and EVERYONE STARTS TO LEAVE, shouldn’t you maybe turn it off so you stop alienating your guests who are obviously uncomfortable with the whole thing?

Of course not. Let’s keep watching those three people having sex on a rock.

I don’t know how long the party lasted after that. But between the porn movie, the wine in a box, the enthralling Never Have I Ever game, and the bizarrely overdressed roommates, this party was getting a bit more classy than I could stand. So I went to bed pretty soon after that.

Needless to say, that was the last time I partied at JMU. Ginny and I were talking about this last night and I realized that I’m still a little weirded out by the whole experience, so I decided to share it with you today.

Aren’t you glad?