Thanks, but No Thanks

Ginny was finally admitted to the rehab facility today. She’ll be there for about a week, and this is when the real work begins. Just wanted to give you guys an update.

To the makers of Alavert:

Hey, thanks for the sample and all. That was pretty cool, sending me an entire box of Alavert so I could try it for a week instead of just one dinky little dose like other companies send.

So I guess you’re trying to lure customers away from Claritin by promising that your product is not only better, but also more convenient, since it’s dissolvable. That’s cool. Here are my thoughts:

  1. I noticed that your product is 10mg of loratadine. Hmm. That’s exactly the same as Claritin.

  2. Oh, but yours dissolves, right? So no need to get a pesky glass of water and swallow a pill? Cool. Claritin doesn’t – oh wait, yes it does have a dissolvable form. No matter. I hear yours is better. At least that’s what you’ve told me.

  3. I see that your “superior” dissolvable pill is, like, hermetically sealed in titanium or something. I guess that’s to protect it from the elements. That’s cool.

  4. However. I’ve got to say, I didn’t find it to be more convenient than the standard Claritin pill at all.

Because, see, when the packaging is so airtight that while trying to separate one pill from the card, the whole thing slips and proceeds to SLICE MY THUMB OPEN, it takes a hell of a lot of time to curse and wrap a tissue around my thumb and run to the bathroom and wince and wash it up and dry it off and find the Neosporin and try to dab just a little on and curse and wipe half of it off and find a band-aid and tear it open and peel off the sticky things and wrap it around my thumb, all the while with a minty little pill-thing sitting on my tongue absolutely REFUSING to dissolve until I give up and just chew the damn thing. In fact, it takes a lot more time to do that than it would have for me to just pop a frickin’ pill out of the package, throw it in my mouth, and take a drink of water.

And also, your product costs more.

I’m just sayin’.

9 Replies to “Thanks, but No Thanks”

  1. I'm a firm believer that if one consumes enough alcohol, it kills all invading germs/allergies, thus helping one remain illness free.

    Unfortunately, I cannot follow this regimen at this time, which explains why I was so sick last week.

    That is all.

  2. You know what helps allergies? Sex. I'm sorry – I really am but it does, it really, really does.

    Upside: There's no packaging to sex. You can make back money you've invested to acquire it. You don't need a perscription. Bleeding later is generally a good thing.
    Of course, alcohol is easier to hide under the desk at work the side-effects can be just as dibilitating. …unless, of course, you follow through with the approprate follow-up. I'm just sayin'.
    /damn you starbucks, perveyors of this crack I've ingested!

  3. I'd have an easier time getting a pet zebra than getting sex lately, but yeah, I do hear it clears you up pretty well. :)

  4. Hmmm…I didn't know sex helped, but that would seem to make sense. Lorie, I am pretty sure you could if you wanted. But I just don't think you want to. You might be like my friend back home who is really really cute, but never had a boyfriend. it's like the twighlight zone or something.

  5. This is obvious, but GOOD sex helps more :). Well not even necessarily sex itself just the process of orgasming helps relieve a great deal of the symptoms. A lot of this has to do with our nervous response and the release of both endorphines and other chemicals at the time of getting over the peak. This interferes with the alergic response. As well it interferes with the “cramping” response due to a period as well. So both can be alleviated with sex. This is just a depression of the bodies response for both cases for a period of time which varies for each individual in its duration.

  6. If anybody needs an explaination for how sex helps to heal what ails you before investigating there's something very wrong there.

    And I know it's a bad time for lorie to go out and …get “medicated” – kinda hard while taking on all else she's got on her plate. I had a girlfriend in High School that seemed to catch colds, get allergies and have m-o-n-s-t-e-r cramps often – we were always amazed and delighted at how much a little team work always made short order of those.

  7. Great to hear about Ginny's admission to rehab; it is certainly good news all around.

    And I love the way you piercingly dissect the Alavert promo sample and advertisement; critical thinking is a valued skill to be applied liberally and often. You had provided some political observations in the same vein, perhaps we'll see some more.

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