Like, OMG!

Warning: this entry is chiefly concerned with issues relating to my annual exam this afternoon. If you’re bugged by gyno talk (which will not be too graphic, I swear!) you may want to skip today.

So yeah, I’m going to have my annual exam done this afternoon. Actually I procrastinated on having last year’s annual exam so many times that I rolled over into a new year, so I haven’t had one since March of 2002. Normally I’m really responsible about my reproductive health, so that’s no good. But my recent bout with cramps has finally prompted me to just make the appointment already. I need to see if there’s anything wrong with my stuff.

And here’s the dumb thing: although I’m nervous as usual about the exam – the discomfort, the cramping, all that stuff – there’s something else that’s bugging me more.

See, the shoes I’m wearing today (see yesterday’s entry) look great, but they’ve rubbed the nail polish off of my big toes. And I’m embarrassed to put my bare feet in stirrups with tacky, chippy pink nail polish on the big toes. Oh, and also, I forgot to shave my legs this morning, so there’s that too. I did the squeaky clean thing, and even brought little wipes to freshen up with beforehand, but I have stubbly legs and chippy nail polish.

And I just know that they’re going to notice and be all, “Ew, look at her stubbly legs and chippy nail polish – that is SO TACKY.” And I’ll know what they’re thinking, and I’ll see them stealing glances down at my nasty chippy toe polish, and then I’ll be absolutely mortified and I’ll write in to Say Anything in YM and I’ll only get one star, the one that says, “Glad it didn’t happen to me” and I’ll be even more embarrassed that my Most Embarrassing Moment wasn’t even embarrassing enough to rate TWO stars (key: “Friends must still be talking about it”) from those bitches at YM, and anyway, that stupid blurb about flashing a tampon string at the pool was SO not a four-star (“Better switch school districts!”) Say Anything and those girls are probably all blonde and go to private school anyway.

Or maybe they won’t even notice at all.

11 Replies to “Like, OMG!”

  1. Do you have any idea how many crotches that man sees? A little stubble and some nail polish chipping will be a welcome relief to him over the horrible mangled VD ladies he has seen in the past.

  2. I know all about the fear. I always tell myself, no matter what, she's seen worse. I'm young, trimmed and fresh. Just remember, women in their 60's are getting exams. Your box will be the delight of her afternoon.
    But like I said- I know where you're coming from. I was just there last week and the girl was talking to me about school and stuff while she's got her face all up in my box. So awkward. I still haven't overcome the awkwardness of the bikini wax. Dying to get one, but seems weird to spread em for someone non-medical. One day I suppose…

  3. I feel you. I totally thought people didn't notice that stuff and then this… boy… who doesn't usually care about girlie stuff, totally noticed and thought it was hot when I did a cute toenail-paint job. What the hell!

    Not that that makes you feel any better. I do have a worse experience, though. I was 18 and the doctor was like, “you should do x with your sexual partner, that will help.” I said, “that would work except I'm a virgin” and she didn't know what to say, just looked kind of shocked, stumbled around the office and was like, “um I'm going to have to think for a while then” and totally sent me home. The next time I went in, I just out and told her that it wasn't like I was unfamiliar with my vagina, and she loosened up. But boy did she ever humiliate me at the time! I cried the whole way home.

  4. I say purchase some temp. tattoos and rub 'em all over your legs – the inside anyway.
    oh, and you could do a little shave work down there so you read, “STAY FOCUSED” to encourage the doc to look… forward and not check out the forest of growth (and could it really be that bad after only one day?) :)

  5. I remember once as part of a consciousness raising thing at Berkeley (back around 1986 or so), some other guys and I were made to get in stirrups. Clothed, mind you. It was still quite a revelation. Haven't forgotten it.

  6. I totally hear that. Those exams are always uncomfortable. And I'm always self-conscious about my feet…After all, those stirrups are right next to their heads…

    OH and I hate it how they're like “Scoot up…sommore…a little bit more” so that my ass is hanging off the edge of the examination table-thingy. Gah.

  7. Yeah I believe the gynie will be more concerned with giving a thorough exam than the degree of your shaving, well that is of course as long as you didn't rub your hairy leg across her arm giving her a rug burn :)

    Of course she'll notice the toenail semi-polish and be abhored! Yeah I am sure doctors check all that- 'course yours just might notice such.

    One good thing about being a guy, our exams are a little less invasive- well except for the hernea test crushin the jimmie and tellin us to cough. That sucks! Hmm wonder if I get a female doctor she'll not do that one? Something to think about.

  8. Kerry… no, you'll still have to. My friend just had it done by an 80-year-old woman who stayed down there a lit-tle too long…

  9. There's a way of pressing low on the abdomen that is just as useful as the sac in giving proper results in cough test. You can request it – the doc just has to pay closer attention to where s/he puts the testing hand.

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