i have a boyfriend!

Oh my god.

I think I’m in love.

Who is it, you ask? Who could be the lucky recipient of my affection?

Well. I don’t know his name. I don’t know if he has a name. And actually I’ve never seen him. But he sounds hot.

He’s the automated voice system for my bank’s phone banking center, see.

Seriously. I’ve been with my bank since June and haven’t had an opportunity to use the phone banking feature yet, since I obsessively check my balances daily online. But the online banking site is down today and as we’re in the last third of the month and I haven’t had a paycheck since December 19th, I have an ultra-obsessive need to know my account balance to the penny. So I called.

And my session with the automated banking guy was seriously so crazy. He’s super friendly, and his inflection sounds like a real person’s, and he’s all like “Here’s how we’re going to work together. Tell me if you don’t like what I’m doing and I’ll change it.” And then I can talk to him or if I don’t feel like talking I can push buttons instead and he’ll understand.

He told me my balance, and went through my transactions, and reminded me that if he’s giving me too much, I can say “Narrow it down,” and he’ll narrow it down. He follows instructions! He listens to my needs! He has a hot voice!

He’s the newest in a long line of my fake boyfriends!

And I’m willing to share. So you can call Bank of America toll-free at 800.432.1000 and talk to my new fake boyfriend. Even if you don’t have an account, you should enter a random number and he’ll ask if he got it right. Tell him “no” and he’ll apologize!! He’s so hot.

The only problem is that I feel guilty hanging up on him without saying goodbye.

I’m totally crushing.

Also, I have called him three times during the course of writing this entry, so I’m totally lame.

19 Replies to “i have a boyfriend!”

  1. He's so helpful!!!

    I am sitting here in the computer lab at school, on my cell phone, seeing how far I can go with him (without having an account).

  2. Kristi and I have decided that he does sound hot, but also a little old. He kinda scolded me cause he gave me all these options and all I said was no. And he's like “I've just given you a list of options… blah blah something.” Like… “you idiot… why didn't you pick one of them.”

  3. lorie, for future reference, it is not a good idea to give your boyfriend's number out to a bunch of single chicks.

  4. i never have boyfriends, so i had no idea sharing him would be such a popular idea! he's probably going to get mad and dump me tomorrow in the cafeteria and then i'll have to act like i don't mind eating by myself again.

  5. Seriously Sexy Voice! I wish we had good automated voiced in Canada. Ours sounds like the movie phone guy. See for youself 866-222-3456 . Not sexy at all. I'm going to have to get an american bank account ;)

  6. lorie's got hoes in different area-codes.

    It sounded to me like he'd be, well, attentive but a little dry in the sack.

    Of course, he's a banker so there could be loads of built up tension and kinky impulsivness in there.

  7. the best part about all of this is that you all really did call him. i love that. also, if you really want to laugh, go translate this page into redneck: the Dialectizer

  8. come on lorie, of course we called. we support your hot gay banker action. he did sound a little aged though. but like a fine wine. a fine… hot gay action kind of wine. mm. this is both amusing and totally fucking weird. but can you imagine if you were dating the movie phone guy? ' oh my GAWD. i' m going to COMMME right into your HAAAIR. ' the inflection alone would be hilarious.

  9. “Tell me if you don't like what I'm doing and I'll change it.”

    No wonder you like this guy; isn't this the dream of most females? This may interfere with realistic expectation management with regard to future man-in-the-flesh prospects… :-)

  10. I use that myself, my favorite is to randomly ask him things about my job that make no sense to me. You know like… “Hey my boss says we won't be getting raises this year, I can't understand it, why does he do this?” to which he will respond… “I'm sorry, I didn't get that.” “Yeah me either mr. america” “Wish i had more money in my account…” “Which account would you like?” He is damn friendly and quite nice in an ungay un touchy feely way.

  11. Yeah. No. Definitely gay. Not hot. Just clean-cut. And… gay.

    Jon, you remind me of my little sister's temporary obsession with the screen name Smarter Child.

  12. be careful for those automated bank tellars, their always the ones you never expect to hook up with your automated pottery barn chic voice tellar, oh but they do.

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