turf wars

My hair and my sweater are having a disagreement today.

It’s more like a spat.

Actually, it’s really most like a trashy catfight, complete with the use of fake fingernails as weapons.

Hypothetically, of course. I’ve never had fake fingernails in my life. The ones I came with are quite nice.

So. It’s fucking cold here (shut up, New England. it’s all relative) and so I’m wearing a Chunky Turtleneck Sweater today. Chunky Turtleneck Sweaters are a different breed than regular turtleneck sweaters, because they are, in general, cut shorter and roomier, if that makes any sense. And the turtleneck itself is bigger and wider. Girls, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

So, just so we’re all clear, I’m wearing the CTS today.

I’m also growing my hair out, as you may remember. Right now it’s just past my chin in the front and ever-so-slightly longer in the back, in keeping with that whole trendy uneven layers thing that all the kids are doing these days.

It’s not quite long enough yet for a sleek ponytail, or even a simple pullback. And in the back, this is problematic because the ends of my hair and the top of the turtleneck are engaging in a turf war.

This is very bad for the hair, which is losing. The CTS is maintaining its dignity under fire.

Because some of the hair is trying to infiltrate the inner edge of the turtleneck, thus lying nicely on my neck but also looking sort of flat and odd and sneaky. Meanwhile, certain rogue pieces of hair are trying to breach the perimeter, and because they aren’t long enough to really live outside the collar, instead they are poking bizarrely in almost every direction.

The front of my hair doesn’t have much to do with the whole thing, but it’s feeling left out and melodramatic and is lounging around in a pathetically obvious parody of defeat. Just in case you don’t feel sorry enough for the back of the hair.

Luckily I have a Cute Hat, a lovely wool cloche that I got for Christmas, and this bug can work a hat like no other. So when I go outside I jam the Cute Hat down over the offending strands and though the ends of my hair continue to stick out like little hair guerrillas, people are too enchanted by the Cute Hat to notice the gang war between the hair and the turtleneck.

This is not generally a problem with regular turtleneck sweaters because on those sweaters, the turtleneck is close enough to my actual neck that it keeps the rogue hairs out where they belong. But with the CTS, it’s a war. And yet I always forget about the war every time I decide “gee, it sure feels like a day for a Chunky Turtleneck Sweater.”

But all too soon I remember. And oh, do I remember.