Cat Sex BAD

Okay, now that we have the Dog Tumor Crisis mostly out of the way, I’m a little more relaxed and ready to discuss my current greatest worry: cat sex.

Specifically, I’m worried that Abby and Marco are going to get it on.

The vet told me that he’d like to have them fixed at about six months, and they’ll be six months old next week (how time flies!). But then I was on the Internet and read all this horrible stuff about how Marco could get randomly horny at pretty much any time and jump on Abby and she could spontaneously ovulate and then there would be INCEST KITTENS and anyway Abby is very small, still only about three or four pounds, and is no way ready to become an unwed teenage mother and seriously? If my cats have sex, with each other or with anyone else, I’m never going to look at them the same way again. I prefer virgin cats.

So I’ve been paranoid and hypervigilant. Is that standard kitten wrestling, or foreplay? Are they grooming, or making out? Are they being normally vocal, or are they talking dirty to each other? I JUST DON’T KNOW.

Dad kitten-sat last week while I was in Vegas, and I was like, Dad. You have to watch Marco, and if he looks like he wants some sweet sweet lovin’, you’ve got to confine him somewhere until I get home. I don’t want them having CAT SEX. And Dad was all, you’re a lunatic, they’re too young, nothing’s going to happen, and I’m like YES SIR THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE CAT SEX I READ IT ON THE INTERNET.

And then I went to Vegas.

And then I came back.

And in the car on the way home, I was asking how the cats had behaved while I was gone, and they told me all about Abby immediately jumping up and staking her claim to the top of their refrigerator, and how they were worried that she was going to break all the glassware on top of the cabinets so they tried to get her down from the fridge and she was all, step off, bitches, and did I know that she’s totally a spoiled brat? (Yes, I’d noticed.) Marco, on the other hand, was a perfect gentleman, and he just curled up next to them and purred and he’s so much better than Abby (also true).

Then Sammi told me that she found them having cat sex on her bed one day. And I promptly and completely lost my shit.

I was nearly finished with my rant about how Abby was going to die giving birth to deformed incest kittens and I READ IT ON THE INTERNET when I noticed that Dad, Mom, Sammi, and Jamie were all laughing their asses off at me.

Those bitches tricked me, and I am a gullible idiot and fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

And I’m still paranoid, so although they have an appointment on Monday morning to have their babymakers taken out, I’m still watching them closely and have considered getting a Nannycam for my house in case they try to have cat sex while I’m at work.