5 Possible Explanations for the Insanely Swollen Lymph Nodes in the Author’s Neck

June 5, 2006

  1. Mono
  2. Aspartame poisoning from drinking 12 Diet Dr. Peppers in 2.5 days
  3. Syphilis
  4. Howling fantods
  5. Onset of a cold.

Filed under: FYI

11 Comments

  • 1. jen  |  June 5, 2006 at 9:33 pm

    I would guess onset of a cold because if it was aspartame, I’d be totally screwed. I finished off a 12-pack of Diet Coke in about two days (and that’s not counting the ones I drink at work). I have a very serious problem.

  • 2. Cara  |  June 5, 2006 at 10:30 pm

    mine signified a sinus infection. yuck.

    good luck in feeling better, and dont rub them, it makes them worse. I learned that the hard way.

  • 3. Sandy  |  June 5, 2006 at 11:13 pm

    Oh my god, someone at work was all, “A nurse friend of mine told me that people who drink diet soda every day won’t even have to be embalmed when they die, because of all the aspartame!” And I was all, “Hey, I’m just looking to save my family some money on my
    ‘final expenses,’ as the daytime TV commercials say.”

  • 4. mike  |  June 6, 2006 at 9:00 am

    Mono is a cruel bitch. It almost knocked me out of my sophomore year at ISU. But I persevered with the help of some 3,000 consecutive McDonald’s vanilla milkshakes.

    Best of luck.

  • 5. mike  |  June 6, 2006 at 9:01 am

    I just noticed that two of your afflictions are communicable. Have you been mashing skull fronts with any Virginians we need to know about?

  • 6. Hugo  |  June 6, 2006 at 10:16 am

    Yikes. Wasn’t the aspartame poisoning — I’ve had more than that in less time…

  • 7. will  |  June 6, 2006 at 12:42 pm

    With this showing up after coming back from the Big Apple, you may want to get that checked out.

  • 8. ~A  |  June 6, 2006 at 4:33 pm

    Sandy, the nurse friend left out that your pee turns to jello – and that can feed a nation.

    Will, New York isn’t India from which place everyone returns with the shits. I’m sure you meant to say that, what with the illness on the heels of travel, she may have picked something up from travelling, say, from the Big Airplane or the Big Airport or the Big Taxi.

    …either that or we’re now insinuating that le’story was doin’ a little bathroom-stall recon in the West Village or Lower East Side ’cause, like, that’s totally what the newbies do when they hit the Big Apple and insanity and swollen nodes are expected consequences.

    Why, lorie, you animal! You dirty, sick, animal!
    (get well soon.)

  • 9. Ginny  |  June 6, 2006 at 8:13 pm

    I vote Scurvy. It’s my new go-to disease… you can get it from everything these days… especially from eating pizza left out overnight in the back room at the theater, and from stealing my windex.

  • 10. mike  |  June 7, 2006 at 9:41 am

    It’s probably rickets.

  • 11. brandon  |  September 29, 2008 at 8:21 pm

    Wow… I have the same problem… I also have the same concerns. I’ve had them for three days now and had them since I drank a 2-liter of diet coke… But I don’t know… Any of the others are possiblilities too.!


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