Bug Bites Suck

It seems to me like if they can make a pill for dogs to take that keeps them free of fleas, ticks, and heartworm, then there ought to be a pill for people to take that keep us from getting bitten by bugs. I’ve considered taking the dog pill, but that’s probably not a good idea. Besides, I don’t have a dog, so I’d have to fake a dog or go on the black market or something to get the dog pill, and then it might be cut with meth or something and then the next thing you know, I’m a meth addict. And really, all I wanted was relief from bug bites.

I’m hideously sensitive to most biting/stinging insects (including, as it turns out, fleas). When I know for sure I’m going to be outside, I always wear bug spray. I probably should wear it every day, but eh. I get lazy. So if I happen to find myself outside unexpectedly, I’ll get bug bites. And I currently have a weird issue where I am finding mosquitoes in my office and in my house – seriously, what’s up with that? The mosquitoes are as bad as the spiders lately. And don’t tell me that if I’d let the spiders live I wouldn’t have so many mosquitoes, because rather than admitting you’re probably right, I will just cut you instead.

So, anyway. Mosquitoes in my house. Mosquitoes in my office. And then, sometimes I go outside.

Last night I went over to a friend’s house after work, and we spent a few hours out on her deck with wine, snacks, and her puppy (Max) – and really, what else do you need in life besides friends, wine, snacks, and the world’s coolest puppy? Nothing, unless you’re into mosquito bites, in which case I have fifteen brand new ones that I will sell to you cheap. I will not sell you the puppy, though.

The bites are just little bitty pink dots now, but by the end of the day, they will be giant festering welts the size of quarters or larger. And I will look like a leper, and I will be itchy, and I will hate the world just a tiny bit more than I do right at this moment.

9 Replies to “Bug Bites Suck”

  1. Bug spray? icky.

    Purchase good Garlic supplements and take them daily; one should do. Also, purchase this Now. They’ve got a whole line now but I’m only familiar with the lotion and I can tell you, it saved my life in the jungles of Nicaragua. …and I’m not kidding. I kept spraying myself with OFF! (with DDT – poison of poisons) and I got bit All The Time – IN THE SHOWER! – and I contracted malaria. No kidding.

    Once I was better I finally started to use this stuff that people swore by (before they marketed it this way) and I tell you it worked. Totally, absolutely worked. I still got bit but I looked nothing like the chicken pox marked-looking tortured soul I’d been.

    Also, your diet during the heavy bug months makes such a difference. Nobody likes to think of it when soda and sweets are on sale but, really, the more crap you snack on (and the more it’s crap, the more sugar or sweeteners) the more attractive you’ll be to biting bugs. Brushing your teeth and tongue throughout the day will help but you still sweat the stuff you eat – your pores release this all over your skin and you can’t help but be a big ol’ smelly target. (unfortunately, the wine you drank also pulls ’em in. Red’s even worse – beer, too. sugar – everything breaks down to sugar.)
    Anyway, I’m compelled to tell you all this ’cause biting bugs just love me regardless and I’m passionate about being free of them (and passing info on to other sufferers as well.) xo.

  2. I should probably stop eating altogether. I have a feeling that would solve a lot of my problems, actually.

  3. I used to use this stuff called “Skeeter Stick” for post-bug-bite remorse. When I used to spend weeks at a time at my aunt’s place in “the country” (can you call a small town 1/2-hour outside a major midwestern city “the country”? I can) and there was no a/c, I would rack up the bug bites so prodigiously that my uncle started taking me out on the back porch every night and making me close my eyes and mouth and turn slowly in a circle while he hosed me down with OFF!. It helped some, but the only thing that relieved the bites I did get was “Skeeter Stick.” Plus, it’s just fun to say it!

  4. …stop eating altogether. Good one.

    Just go get that garlic and SkinSoSoft and that Skeeter Stick, that looks pretty good. Oh, and sip the water like a supper sipper.

    oh. and you could print out a large picture of a mosquito and take it outside to a grassy spot and get all Office Space on it. That could help. :o) Here’s a small one you can print and stab at your desk.

    (Just don’t stay outside too long lest you get bit while delivering the beat down.)

  5. I also think lit citronella candles and/or mosquito punks (erm, I mean mosquito coils) will help too. My arms and legs suffered a great deal of bites every time we went back to Hawaii to visit family — it’s like my grandmother’s back yard was some sort of Freak Mosquito Haven. But the punks help…A lot.

  6. Hey, wait. I used to cook garlic about 5, oh, maybe 7 days each week. This summer I moved away from that as soon as the Farmer’s Market ran out of fresh garlic. And I’ve been getting bitten again. Hmm.

    I’d never considered the lack of ingestible anti-bug solutions for people. I suppose we might fashion some bug-killing chokers, chains, studded leather collars (real cyberpunk, you know?) and even hemp necklaces, but I guess deep-down we all know there’s something sinister in the way we freely affix chemical-laced goods to our pets more for our convenience than theirs.

    Why doesn’t OFF sell a vitamin-rich version? Or a variety of bran flakes? What the hell are our scientists DOING anyway?

  7. I’m gonna go ahead and go against the masses. I’m on board with the Meth-laced-dog-pill… Because in my rationale, being addicted to meth and being on the constant hunt of your next fix would most definitely keep your mind off of bug bites.

    Kinda like… I’ll shoot you in the leg and now you don’t feel your headache as much as before…

  8. I think it’s this campus Lorie.

    We live out in BFE at FH and since my return to campus, I’ve suffered about 10 bug bites on the walk from Tate to Centennial in a matter of 3 days. And they are the larger than quarter welt variety.

    Call the ‘rents, get Belle’s flea medicine, and call me.

  9. Ditto to Anthony; garlic (I prefer fresh) helps, and so does SkinSoSoft. Some sweet and sticky fruits also exude a mosquito attractant through your pores, especially bananas.

    Can’t have you looking like a Dr. Seuss character, now can we?

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