Yesterday, I felt like I might want a grilled cheese sandwich when I got home from work, but as I mentioned in the last post, I have 7-grain bread at home. 7-grain bread is mostly fine, but totally unacceptable for grilled cheese sandwiches. Grilled cheese sandwiches, see, need to be made with soft, squishy, totally-bad-for-you bread, or as far as I’m concerned, there’s no point in having grilled cheese at all.
The best soft, squishy, totally-bad-for-you bread in the entire universe is the Food Lion 2 Lb. Loaf. That’s really what it’s called – 2 Lb. Loaf. Well, that’s what’s written on the bag, anyway, but of course you pronounce it “Two Pound Loaf.” Food Lion makes another kind of bread called KING, and they like to be sneaky and shelve the KING right next to the 2 Lb. Loaf, and sometimes when they’re out of 2 Lb. Loaf they’ll fill it all up with KING, but don’t be fooled. KING is nothing next to 2 Lb. Loaf.
2 Lb. Loaf is always soft and squishy, never crusty. And 2 Lb. Loaf must be absolutely loaded with preservatives, because it never goes bad. And it’s cheap. And did I mention that it kicks ass? I’m sure it has no nutritious value whatsoever, but it is GOOD. It’s the best bread ever.
One time my mom met a guy at work whose job had something to do with making Food Lion bread, and she went all 2 Lb. Loaf crazy on him and was asking him all these questions about it, and apparently it’s Merita bread, but in certain areas (like ours) it is sold as Food Lion brand bread, and you can’t get it everywhere. I actually just called my mom at work to fact-check this, and left a message on her voice mail that said, “I have a question about 2 Lb. Loaf, so call me back,” so she probably thinks I’m nuts.
So anyway, I was craving some 2 Lb. Loaf and I went to the ghetto Food Lion, which is the only one near where I live. Actually, most Food Lions are kind of ghetto, but this one was particularly ghetto.
I thought I’d go in and browse around a little before I got my 2 Lb. Loaf, but the only thing I picked up before I got to the bread aisle was a big tomato that was on sale. So I had this giant tomato, and then I got to the bread aisle. And to my dismay, they’d filled up half the bread section with KING, and there was not a single 2 Lb. Loaf to be found anywhere. So I ended up getting in the checkout line with nothing but a giant tomato.
I was in the line by the counter where they lock up all the risky stuff. At this particular store, here’s what was locked up behind the counter:
- Monistat-7 and other yeast infection products
- Cold medicine and Prilosec OTC
- Baby formula
Weird. I talked to a couple of people about it later and I guess since this Food Lion is in a really low-income area, people steal baby formula a lot. That’s actually pretty sad, because I’m guessing you don’t steal baby formula for a cheap thrill or to resell it. Baby formula is not cheap, but it’s necessary, and it’s too bad that people feel like they have to steal it so they can feed their babies.
Anyway. So I looked at all that stuff and then I got to the cashier and she rang up my giant tomato, which cost 78 cents after she applied my MVP card discount. And I opened my wallet to pay for it, and found that I did not have a single penny anywhere in my wallet.
So I had to pay for a giant tomato that cost 78 cents with my debit card. That’s pretty embarrassing.
I ended up going to Kroger anyway, because I needed some other stuff, and by the time I got my groceries and went home, I didn’t want a grilled cheese sandwich anymore anyway. So I suppose it’s just as well that there was no 2 Lb. Loaf to be found, although I’m thinking about going to the Food Lion near my family’s house this weekend to try to find some.