done, done, on to the next one

So Cookie and I did the speed-dating thing on Friday night. She’s out of the closet about it now, and it’s a good thing, because we were on the 11:00 news. They spelled my name wrong, and didn’t include Cookie’s at all. But according to the fifty gazillion people who have called/IMed me this weekend to let me know that they saw me, we were on two networks, with a few teasers and then the actual story, and we looked wonderful. Woo. I’m a celebrity. The starfucker line starts right over there.

No, but seriously, we had an awesome time. They’re supposed to email us our matches, if we got any, later today. I listed a few people but was not among those who felt such an immediate connection after sixty seconds that they a)ditched the place with their newfound love or b)hooked up in the corner with said love.

We also met some slightly less-than-cool people, such as:

  • The first guy I talked to, who stood about 4’11” and looked about 15 and talked mostly about the McDonald’s where he worked.
  • The three or four guys who asked me if I had children before they even asked my name. I’m like “hell no!” and they’re like “I have three!” and I’m like “That’s great!”
  • The bald firefighter who told me I had nice breasts. I said “thanks, I like them a lot!” because what else do you say to that?
  • Beeeenjamin Mooooooooore, who loves him some NASCAR, and who followed us around for awhile after the meet & greet portion.
  • The guy whose mom signed him up to do the event. He told me that his hair used to be 13 inches long in the back but that she’d forced him to go get it all cut to the same length on Friday afternoon. So I’m standing there thinking “holy shit, you’re a former mullet!” And then later that night, he came up to me and babbled something about graphic design for awhile before closing with this winner: “I hope your evening is as enchanting as you are.” Well, thanks.
  • The one guy who spent our entire minute talking about the VT game last week.

Also, many of my introductions were “So you’re the one with the terrible handwriting!” as Cookie was right in front of me and I’d written her name tag and done so badly. I then had to show them my name tag to prove that I’m quite capable of writing my own name legibly but not so good with others after a few drinks.

That was kind of funny though.

After the sixty second meet & greet portion, we had a break and then were split into groups for a very kindergarten-ish costume contest for prizes. My group won second prize for putting this stunningly original costume together:

  • Upper torso and head wrapped in toilet paper;
  • Aluminum foil wrapped diaper-style around pelvic region;
  • nipples and bellybutton drawn on toilet paper with a Sharpie that I stole from the registration table;
  • The words “DICK MUMMY” written on his head, to go with-
  • The giant erection we made out of aluminum foil and garnished with a red bow.

This costume sucked, people. Other groups made things like a martini glass and didn’t beat us. We made a giant dick and won hockey tickets. Not that I’m complaining, because I love hockey. But seriously – we did not earn that prize. First place was the Statue of Liberty – far cooler.

I stopped drinking really early and sobered up, but was incredibly hyper, so I spent much of the night dancing like a complete nerd, breaking out the Hammer Dance at least twice.

We had a blast, though. Our great time definitely outweighed the potential geek factor of participating in a speed dating event. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Edited to add: holy SHIT, I just checking my account balance online and there is a $35 charge from the bar on Friday night. Thinking I definitely wasn’t so drunk as to miss spending $35 on booze, I found the receipt. $17, which was reasonable. My two beers at $3 each, a double I owed someone, and a tip. Something’s not right.

So I called the bar and they do that thing when you run a tab where they charge $35 as a precaution. Fuck that, man, I almost never run tabs and never will again. At least I didn’t accidentally spend $35 on liquor, though.

11 Replies to “done, done, on to the next one”

  1. Seriously though, you've got real nice breasts.

    …so, you talked about the less-than-impressive, and mentioned that you're waiting for e-mail confirmation of potential matches but was there anyone you think might be?

    Dick Mummy, huh? The coolest part is, while you all determined that you were concocting a mummy, it was still nesc. to include nipples and a belly button – essentially to insist, yes, no matter how old the corpse or how thick the wrapping, nipples and Bb's totally show on mummys.

    ;-) ~A

  2. that guy with the “nice tits” approach better back off. that's been my line for years. it never works … but it's still mine.

  3. That “tab” thing is bullshit, they are not allowed to do that by law, only on items that are rentals/hotels and such, where you receive a tangible product that is not-refundable. I don't think alcohol falls into that category, i think somebody helped themself to a nice big tip thinking you were too drunk to remember.

  4. Ugh. My relationship with my man is a bit rocky right now– but if this is what I have to look forward to, I am getting even more scared!!

  5. Hey…I heard that they do that with some pay at the pump gas too. They hold like 75 dollars until it clears. Sucks huh?

  6. G – that's strip bars – strip bars clear you for that much first. Some at $125.

    What Lorie is telling us is she was at a really low-grade strip club.

  7. That “precaution” is bullshit. Didn't they keep your credit card or driver's license while you ran the tab? That ought to be precaution enough. I'd raise hell.

  8. Just a little known fact for you all. Anytime a merchant transacts a fraudulent charge on your credit card call you credit card company and dispute the charge. The merchant will be forced to give up the money they charged you and will also pay a fine from $10.00 to $50.00 depending on who handles their credit card transaction. A merchant can ask for an authorization on a card for tab purposes but if they actually complete the transaction and charge your account it is a fraudulent transaction.

  9. it really shouln’t be called speed dating, even though it happens gimme-another-espresso-fast-fast-fast… in some respects it may be the opposite: when speed driving, if you crash you’re usually totalled, but this would be more like “meh, it was a speed date, so i’m not all that attached”. just a flesh wound. maybe it should be called it sunday driver dating or stroll around the pond dating. yeah, much catchier.

    gled ya’ll hed a reeeal fun tahme (homage there to Benny Moore).
    was searching for the Foo Fighters but enjoyed reading this…

    wonder what all of the guy’s blogs are saying about you? ;-P

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