begone, witnesses

The Jehovah’s Witnesses are after me. I think they want my soul.

I’ve been getting cryptic voice mails once a week or so for the last few weeks, where women with shifty mumbly voices quote passages from the Bible and then hang up. I finally did a caller ID cross-check and determined that the calls were from the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I’ve tried to call them back three or four times to tell them to knock it the hell off, but the phone always rings and rings and no one ever answers.

And then yesterday I had a cryptic hand-addressed medium-sized manila envelope in my mailbox. I did not recognize the return address. I was trying to remember if I’d signed up for or ordered anything recently, and I couldn’t decide whether or not to open it. Maybe it was full of anthrax or a flat bomb. Maybe it was a death threat.

No, it was a hand-written letter with more Bible verses and my very own free copy of The Watchtower.

It looks like there’s an organized direct marketing campaign going on to increase membership. And, you know, if I’m going to find God, something tells me it’s not happening through odd and cryptic voice mails or packages sent to my house.

Leave me alone. If I need anything, I know where to find you.

8 Replies to “begone, witnesses”

  1. Here’s my take on the sitch. You should get a Marilyn Manson record album cover (none of this disc crap – you want it to be BIG). Say maybe the AntiChrist Superstar album. Put it in a hand addressed envelope and leave it on their doorstep with your note “Leave me alone. If I need anything, I know where to find you.” If your cay-jones are huge, leave your address.

  2. It may be the same woman that was stalking me… is your stuff from Charlottesville? I got two pamphlets shoved in my door and then a cryptic letter was sent to me.

  3. Perhaps they’ve taken a liking to the mysteriousness of the Dan Brown style and are trying to intrigue people into religion. Not unusual, given that most are based on shocking supernatural events.

  4. Similar (yet different) story: I owed the cable company money so they called my cell phone with a local cell phone (in order to be untraceable, I assume) and left a message, “Hey, Sandy! It’s Patrick! Give me a call back on my cell!” I don’t know any Patrick. So I did a reverse search online, and lo and behold… Creve Coeur, the cable co.’s local headquarters address. Figures. They got their damn money, they can leave me alone.

  5. Lorie, God told me all about you, and he asked me to leave a comment here, making it clear that when he chooses to speak to you, it will be through your blog and not through the US mail.

  6. Just for the record, Jehovah Witnesses have been around since the dawn of time. Way back when I was a teenager living with my girlfriend in California they appeared at our door just as we were getting ready to head for the beach. Actually I was screaming “where the hell is the sun tan lotion” when I looked up at the screen and there she was…………..And I, in my lime green bikini ( since it was such a short span of time I was able to wear a bikini I remember each incident vividly), went to the door and promptly informed her that I was Catholic ( I’m not, but telling a Jehovah Witness that you’re Catholic is akin to telling them you worship the Devil). She never returned and I will probably go to hell for telling such a lie, but it worked!

  7. Notice how you never get door-to-door visitors from an agnostic society? “We’re here to tell you that we don’t quite know what to believe, but are content in this belief and think that you should believe the same.” I might just start an experiment to see how people react to such proselytizing.

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