she might put the party in the pants

I have a party to go to this weekend, and I was kind of horrified when I found out that I might have to dress like an actual adult instead of wearing dark jeans and high-heeled boots and a pseudo-dressy top like I normally would. I’m in a sucky, fat-feeling, body-hating phase right now, and not all of my clothes fit, and I was not looking forward to shopping for more clothes. Yet I somehow found myself trying on about fifty pairs of pants this week.

What I wanted: flattering black dressy pants, preferably in a fabric and style that would work for my office and for parties this month.

I had no idea how insanely difficult it would be to find such a thing. And while I’m at it, can I just rant again briefly about skinny pants? GODDAMMIT, fashion industry. I hate you so, so much this week. Why are skinny pants in again? Why is it that out of twenty styles of dress pants in a given clothing store, nineteen are skinny pants? I’m especially looking at you, Old Navy, you sorry excuse for a business.

Let me tell you all again about my stupid body, in case you don’t know or have forgotten. I am short all over, but I am also short-waisted. I have unusually large feet for my height. I have big legs – not necessarily fat-big, though I am certainly feeling fat-big right now, but muscular-big as well. I have a big ass. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for me to wear skinny pants. EVER. They will never, ever flatter my body. And, for the record, they don’t flatter most bodies.

Bootcut pants, on the other hand, were made exactly for people like me. I don’t need a damn bellbottom-esque giant flare. All I want are bootcut pants. Why is that so hard? Maybe I’m out of touch and I’m hanging on to a trend that is long gone and I’m going to become That Girl with the spiral perm and the bangs and the tapered jeans long after they stopped being cool. You know, the girl you suspect is homeschooled and really churchy because she is just so very unstylish. THAT GIRL. But you know what? Right now I’d rather be THAT GIRL in a pair of pants that flatter me.

Whatever. I hate everyone and I am a little black rain cloud.

I finally found a really excellent pair of black BOOTfreakingCUT pants at Kohl’s last night shortly before coming home to the poo disaster. The pants were too long in the store, but I was wearing flats and figured that when I wore them with heels, all would be well. The pants were on sale, and I’d literally tried on dozens of pairs of pants at this point and this was the first pair I was happy with, so I bought them. And then I went to Target and got some very adorable shoes, as illustrated in the picture right here.

After spending two hours on the floor scrubbing poo out of my carpet, and while waiting for my bedding to dry so I could actually, y’know, sleep, I decided to try on the pants and the shoes. And of course, because nothing at all was destined to go right last night, the pants still puddled a bit on the ground even with those shoes on. So I figured, maybe my trusty high-heeled boots will work, since they’re a bit higher. And with the boots we had no puddling, but the pants still touched the ground. Clearly this was not going to do.

The tallest shoes I have are a pair of black dress shoes with three-inch heels. They were actually fine with the pants, but the problem with those is that I’ll only be able to stand up for about ten minutes in them, and walking will certainly be out of the question. I’ll be drinking a bit, so I really need all the stability I can get, and at the rate I’m going if I wore those shoes I’d break my ankle this weekend. So they were out.

As a last resort, I tried yanking the waist on the pants up as high as it would go. In addition to the inevitable camel toe situation caused by this “solution,” I looked like an idiot and the pants were clearly not down with the plan. In order to keep them up that high I’d have to pin the waistband to my bra, or maybe give myself a full wedgie and hope that the power of my giant ass would keep the pants in place.

What the pants really need is to be hemmed. Unfortunately I have almost no domestic skills and very few sewing implements. The chances that an alteration shop can turn them around in only a few hours today are slim to none, and I have a feeling that even if they could do it that fast, they’d end up charging me more than I paid for the pants in order to rush the job.

One of my coworkers has suggested that I get that fabric-bonding stuff that you use instead of sewing. I am thinking about giving it a try, but if I do, I will also need to purchase an iron, and maybe an ironing board. Yeah, I don’t own an iron. See: almost no domestic skills, above, and shut up. Also, I own a clothes dryer and fabric sheets, so I rarely need to iron. Okay, so maybe I do that. I get the fabric-bonding stuff and a cheap-ass iron. Once I get home with it, I am extremely concerned about my ability to create a straight and proper hemline. But maybe it’s time for me to quit being a baby and sack up and figure it out.

So, what do you think? Should I try the fabric-bonding idea, or should I just go with the giant wedgie plan?

12 Replies to “she might put the party in the pants”

  1. The only real trick to fast-fixing your hem issue is getting the hem straight without looking gathered or “folded”. Getting thread to stay in place for 5 hours is not difficult. Howver, if you can’t sew a temporary hem (or really just don’t feel confortable enough to do it) then your fear of creating a “straight and proper hemline” will still apply with the fabric-bonding stuff and probably shouldn’t be attempted hours before a party. (You could end up hating the pants, hating the world. hating parties.)

    I say you buy the fabric stuff over lunch and head straight over to a tailor or dry-cleaner. Beg them to please apply the temporary fix to your pants; they should be able to eyeball it and press it out quickly. Tell them you promise to become a customer if they do – not nesc. a regular customer – but that you won’t ever consider any other place. I bet if you ask around the office, someone knows of a tailor closer than you’d imagine.

    If all else fails, save yourself the trouble and worry and just match your cute new shoes with something you already have in closet that works.
    good luck.

  2. Use the bonding stuff and don’t worry about the evenness of the hem. If you get an iron (I wouldn’t bother with the board – I iron my crap on the kitchen table with a thick towel underneath), flip the pants inside out, and just roll them up once, it should be reasonably easy to do. Just do dots of the bonding stuff so after the party you can get the pants properly hemmed and you haven’t damaged the pants beyond help. Good luck!

  3. Those shoes are awesome! I have to buy some now.

    ~A is right about the bonding stuff. You’ve got to be careful when the pants have any flare because they can gather up.

    Also, it’s probably to late now, but have you looked for pants at Limited? I have trouble finding pants that fit and look good on me too, but I went to Limited a few months ago and found the perfect pair of black slacks. They were the perfect length, too. And Limited does free tailoring. The pants were a little expensive, but I figured they were worth it.

    Good luck with your pants!

  4. And I heard the skinny pants are going out of style and the new trend is high-waist wide-leg pants. Also unflattering on anyone.

  5. I’m sorry to comment again at the expense of shutting down the thread (which seems to happen sometimes) but. I’ve got to say that I find the option of pinning your pants to your bra so entertaining that I’ve got to cast my vote for that option as well. You know, as an alternative for consideration.

    Oh, and is bad that I should have anything to say about this? I mean, you know, as a guy? I get called out for stuff like that all time.

    (er, not called “out” but, you know what I mean.) ;-)

  6. One of the great guilty pleasures of blog-reading is feeling monstrously entertained by what are, actually, psychologically battering moments in the writer’s life.

    Your pants-shopping trip may have been frustrating, but you’ve left us laughing. Sweet. Thanks.

    Oh, and wedgie! Ha! Wedgie, snuggie, melvin, grundy, etc. Such great words.

  7. I’d say just wear the pants a tad long. Be super careful with the fabric bond stuff. The kind I’ve used before is called Stitch Witchery and I hate it. I’ve ruined a few pairs of pants with it (and I do have quite a few domestic skills).

    P.S. You said camel toe.

  8. Take a home-ec class or something… it’s not hard to sew, you could always safety pin them… have time to run home to nanie? She’s teh awesome…

  9. My only suggestion?

    Stop going to parties that involve emotionally crippling dress codes. What’s wrong with people? The day I can’t wear my jeans to your party is the day that I can’t go.

    This is a good post, and I especially enjoyed seeing the related posts that were automatcally generated.

  10. Okay, what CK said stands for me as well.

    I still don’t know what a camel-toe is, but I do like boot cut jeans. I’m still wearing my old flared Diesels, and I do so without apology.

    And though I am not asking for sympathy, I have the “no ass white boy” problem. I mean, it’s flat. I think it fell off on a long run, and I couldn’t find it in the dirt.

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