Scary Jerry

What I wanted for lunch.

What I had:

  • chicken parmesan sandwich on a kaiser
  • chips
  • 3 dill pickle spears


Live and in person, people. I looked up for one reason or another and saw him sitting katty-corner to our booth and did a quite visible double take. “Oh my god, is that JERRY?” I hissed. “Where? Where?” everyone said. I motioned. “Up there. That booth right there. Talking to that woman.”

I had my chance to do something truly horrible and I didn’t do it. I wasted it. Even if I didn’t go up to him and say “Hey, how ’bout the Massachusetts court decision?” or spew Satanic nonsense in his general direction, I could have at least slashed his tires. For heaven’s sakes, it would have been so easy!

I hate that man so much that I was actually physically tense just being in the same room with him. But as it turns out, I’ve been too well-raised. Even the purest white-hot hatred can’t overcome my parents’ advice:

  1. It’s not okay to attack other human beings (or slash their tires).
  2. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

So I paid for lunch and followed my friends out the door.


13 Replies to “Scary Jerry”

  1. Ewwww! You're totallt tainted now, being in such close proximity to pure evil. Seriously, if I'd have been there, I would have kissed you right on the mouth, right in front of him. That's not included in either one of your rules, and that would have been AWESOME.

  2. maybe this story will end up like those old high school romance movies: you and jerry will go to understand each other through your mutual hatred, and next thing you know you'll be making out in the furnace room. the wise-cracking janitor with the heart of gold will catch you, but since you've been nice to him all these years, he'll let it slide and even keep from reporting the incident to the evil principal.

  3. okay, when I talked about things rocking, I meant Cookie's idea, not Mike's. For the record, y'all.

  4. Dude. Dude dude dude. Clearly you did not stick around to hear the end of either of those parental bits of wisdom: “…UNLESS IT'S JERRY FALWELL.”

  5. Now if I pretend to be the man of pure evil, and you and cookie get together can we have a re-enactment? I am normally against girl kissing jokes, but not today. Anyway I probably would have spilled my tray on him, and then pretend not to know who he was. Passive aggresive and all.

  6. dude, okay, mike? sick. seriously dude, that' s nasty. lorie and cookie? word up, home girls, that' s hot. love always triumphs over evil. ALWAYS.

  7. Today at lunch I saw Dirk Notwitzki and Steve Nash of the Dallas Mavs.

    I had peppered sausage in a tomoato sauce with pepers and onions,
    Broccoli and Green Beans.

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