Ten Lessons I Have Learned From The People’s Court
- If you absolutely insist on paying your rent (or anything else) in cash, get receipts. If you pay with checks, get copies of the cancelled checks and bring them to court.
- Signed affidavits from witnesses not present don’t really count for jack squat in court.
- It is a really bad idea to buy a car and get it registered in a friend’s name (for insurance, because you don’t have a driver’s license, or for any other stupid reason).
- It is also a really bad idea to get a cell phone in your friend’s name. If you need a cell phone that badly, get a pay-as-you-go from Target or wherever.
- Take pictures of your rental when you move in and when you move out. The best way to verify a picture’s date is to include a newspaper from that day with the date visible.
- If you are dating someone and you two break up, don’t go sue him for all the gifts you ever bought him, because you’ll lose in court and you’ll look really bitter and undignified in the process. I say “him” on purpose because every single plaintiff I have ever seen in this situation has been a woman. This is often seen, correctly, as “buying affection.”
- Lost wages for coming to court are not a compensable expense.
- If you don’t like the quality of work someone did for you, it’s really shitty of you to pay at the time and then stop payment on the check later. Don’t do that.
- If you lose, don’t tell Kurt in the hallway interview that you lost because you didn’t get to tell your side of the story. Every single loser says that, and if Kurt is feeling snarky, he’ll tell you so.
- If you fuck with Judge Marilyn Milian, especially about dogs and little kids, she will eat you alive. I would tell you not to fuck with Judge Marilyn Milian, but it’s pretty entertaining when you do, so go ahead. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.