50 Random Things, Part One

Today I’m going to be one of those people and do a list entry. It’ll be a reference point for later when I’m all famous and popular and such, and besides, it’ll let me indulge my need to talk about myself in fifty points (if I can come up with fifty). I’ll call it:

50 Random Things to Know About Me

1. I was born in Ceiba, Puerto Rico. Not that I remember any of it, so they may be lying to me.

2. I have a tortoiseshell cat named Sasha who barks like a dog and has recently begun a life of petty crime. She’s starting small, breaking dishes and generally destroying things, but I’m sure in time she will progress to bigger crimes like carjacking.

3. I have three younger sisters of varying heights, ages, and personalities.

4. When I was 6 or 7 years old, I entered a contest where you had to draw a picture of Santa Claus. I won a six-foot-tall stocking full of toys and games and stuff. Throughout this contest, I was certain that I would win and was really arrogant about asking my parents daily if we had received the stocking yet.

5. I am the only person in my family who is left-handed. I try never to hold it against them.

6. I have never broken a bone or been hospitalized overnight so far in my life.

7. I think that possums are the freakiest creatures living on the planet. When I’m driving around in the backwoods at night, sometimes they rise up from the side of the road with their scary little eyes and rat tails and I am forced to try to run them over in an attempt to purge the world of their presence.

8. My great-aunt owns the country stores used for location filming in the movie What About Bob?. No, I’ve never met Bill Murray.

9. I have never traveled overseas (except for the alleged birth, which doesn’t really count).

10. I will never date a man who has a mullet. If photographic or reliable witness evidence surfaces indicating that he has sported a mullet in the past, I will deal with that on a case-by-case basis.

11. I once rescued a goat who was suffocating to death because he had jumped out of the back of a truck and was hanging by his neck rope.

12. I think that Achtung Baby was a better album than The Joshua Tree.

13. I twirled flags in the colorguard for almost ten years. I was really good at it, so it’s unfortunate that it’s a completely useless skill.

14. My feet are unnaturally large for my height.

15. I wrote the word “tittie” on my college application. I was accepted.

That’s all for now – stay tuned!

2 Comments January 16, 2003

Stop Kissing. We Can See You!

This weekend, G and I went to the local shopping center to get some Chinese food, and on our way back to my car we saw that the car parked facing mine had two teenage kids in it. As we got closer to my car, they started making out. In the Kroger parking lot at 7:30 on a Friday night. Freaks. We watched in grotesque amusement for a few minutes, and then I said that I figured once I started the car and turned the headlights on, they’d notice we were there and stop. But noooooooo, they just kept on sucking face. They weren’t even graceful about it – it was just sloppy redneck highschooler face sucking.

So after a moment or two more of watching this little sideshow, I hit the horn. FINALLY they looked up, surprised, and that’s when I smiled my biggest, brightest smile…and waved.

I’ve never seen a quicker disengagement. They practically tripped over their sagging-ass jeans running to Subway.

G would later say that the wave was the real kicker.

Note to self: embarrass stupid people more often.

Leave a Comment January 15, 2003

No Sympathy for Horsey

Okay, so I’m forcing myself to sit down and write something even though I’m not entirely sure what it is I want to write about.

Last night I went to Sammi’s volleyball game and, I’m sorry to say, Sam was totally off her game (not usually the case). So she got pulled and Horsey was sent in to play in her place.

I loathe Horsey. She’s one of those really big, really tall, overweight girls who makes it a point to be really loud and obnoxious and goof around a lot to cover her insecurities. She could be a very good volleyball player, but she’s far too busy fucking around to do it. For example- she has a killer hard serve that often lands out of bounds. Any monkey would know that backing up a few steps would help with this issue. But what does Horsey do? She stands in the same exact place and laughs when she fucks up like it’s the funniest thing in the world.

So after the game I was chatting with some people and saw Horsey go by in tears, with about four girls trying desperately to console her. Someone asked what was wrong with her and the response was “Horsey didn’t get enough playing time.” News flash – if she would act for ONE SECOND as though she cared about what she was doing, she might be in the game more, because she’s not a bad player. But whatever.

Apparently, Horsey has an excuse. Through some convoluted family history situation, she’s not being raised by her parents. But the person who IS raising her is lavishing her with all kinds of stuff, like two purebreed horses which she takes to shows all the time, clothes, and the real kicker – a brand new Ford Mustang. Horsey’s only 15 or 16. She doesn’t even have her license yet. She may not even have her learner’s permit. Yet she has a brand new car waiting for her that’s worth more money than my current and previous cars put together. But, you know, “she has no family,” so we should all feel sorry for her.

I said aloud that if the worst thing that happens to her in high school is having to sit on the bench for awhile at a volleyball game, then she’ll be in pretty good shape.

I’m sorry that bad things happen to people but I don’t think it excuses obnoxious behavior, and it irks me when people try to insinuate that it should.

So fine, I’m an unsympathetic bitch. So be it.

* * *

The weekend is almost here! I’m trying not to spend money so I’ll probably stay home and sleep in and watch movies or something. E loaned me Rushmore and Harold and Maude so I’ll watch those, and I’ll probably rent Signs so my parents can see it. That movie scared the bejeebus out of me.

Leave a Comment January 10, 2003

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