You’re really hot…and so is your mom

Weird things always happen when TG and Witchy and I go to a-MO-co. Like the time with the spider. We stopped there before I dropped them off at school and there was this giant spider at least as big as the palm of my hand (legs included) just hangin’ out on the sidewalk. We watched other people walking by and staring at it so we decided to go stare too. It looked fake, like one of those Halloween spiders you stick on your window. So we walked over and I think TG was the one to kind of kick at it, and that big bastard spider started RUNning like hell. So we screamed and ran too. We’re just like big spiders.

And then there was this other time when we stopped to get wheels for TG’s menstrual cycle in an emergency situation. All the stoner kids were hanging out smoking in the parking lot before school. Later at school some dude comes up to TG and is like “I saw you at a-MO-co this morning. You looked totally hot, and so did your mom.”

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Witchy has told me that her little schoolmates also think I’m her mom. First of all, it’s not like our real mother is invisible and never goes to school events or something. She’s present. She goes. AND she and I look nothing alike, so there’s that. But also- I do NOT look like the mother of a 15 year old and a 12 year old. Oh HELL no. In fact, my students are always teasing me that I look like I’m in high school myself. (perhaps the largest-chested high schooler ever, but still…)

Just for the record, I’m not anyone’s mother. And I’m not planning to change that non-mother status anytime soon.

Besides, I’d be a terrible mother. My kids would be sitting on the kitchen floor drinking orange cough syrup (like I did when I was a kid) and I’d be all like “save some for me!”

And I’d let them do whatever the hell they wanted to as long as they didn’t annoy me too much in the process. And I’d corrupt them. I’d teach them how to mix drinks and we’d play “bartender” with their Little Tykes Playhouses.

Why don’t they have a Little Tykes Bartender set anyway? That would be a great toy.

Leave a Comment February 11, 2003

Blind, Dirty, and Dripping Wet

Today the power went out when I was in the shower. We’re having really high winds today so I guess that caused it. So I had just gotten in the shower, and gotten all wet, but I hadn’t started soaping yet and then boom! Pitch black. The water kept going for a few minutes so at first I thought the light had burned out. So I found the faucet and turned it off and stumbled, blind, dirty, and dripping wet, out of the bathroom…and this whole time I’m still thinking the light is burned out.

I go into my room and get one of the torchieres, thinking I can plug that in and it’ll light up the bathroom long enough for me to shower. So I plug it in and…it won’t turn on. So THEN I try the hair dryer, and it won’t work either, so THEN I think the breaker has blown.

About five minutes later when I’m looking for a flashlight I finally realize that there is no power anywhere in the house.

So I sat around for awhile until it came back on, hopped back in the shower, and raced through the quickest morning routine ever. I jumped in the car, booked it to the ‘burg, so that I could make it to the 11:00 mandatory meeting on time. And then they cancelled the meeting, so that was super. Except not.

Leave a Comment February 4, 2003

Teeth and the Fat Belly Bag

So I went and did the whole wisdom teeth thing for the third and final time on Friday, and holy SHIT does it hurt when they stick needles into the roof of your mouth. Not recommended.

Aside from that minorly excrutiating pain, the tooth-yanking was relatively quick and incident-free…until we got to Wal*Mart.

See, I convinced #2 that we should hit the Mart to get me some pudding and other soft foods, and she spent about a half-hour following me as I tottered around the store with a death-grip on the shopping cart, like an 89 year old lady out on her weekly trip to the market. Except I was still dopey from the nitrous and I kept calling things by the wrong name. Like “can you get that bag of soup?” when what I wanted was a can. I also was having issues with the word “applesauce” and called it “appletape” or something instead, according to #2.

So she went to pay and I went to the bathroom to take my gauze out, because it had been like 45 minutes (15 more than the recommended 30). And when I took out the gauze, oh shit! I started bleeding like I’d just been punched in the face. I had a fun few minutes of racing through Wal*Mart with a mouth full of blood to get a box of gauze so that I could pay for it and stuff it into my mouth to stop the bleeding.

Other than that? Incident-free. I’m even eating real food already.

In other news, I am obsessed with Sasha’s weight. When she was born, she was the runt of the litter and totally had to fight for food all the time, and she was absolutely teeny. And then for a good stretch of her young cathood she was still incredibly thin, but then we found out it was because she had a tapeworm (ew). Once we got rid of that nasty little parasitic bastard, Sash has continued to eat like she did when she was sharing food with the worm, except now there’s no worm to help her eat her food. So she’s getting fat. I feel her little belly on a regular basis and there is definitely a flabby bag of fat forming under there. I don’t know what to do about it though, ’cause I don’t want to get her all freaked out and make her anorexic or anything, but maybe I should get her some diet food or a little cat treadmill or something.

And I’m sure she just LOVES it when I mess with her little fat bag, too. If that pissed-off look she shoots me is any indication.

Speaking of cat food, I think I have to go Krogering so that the kitties can eat breakfast in the morning, because the fam forgot to buy it when they were out today. And I don’t wanna share my oatmeal with the cats tomorrow.

out.

Leave a Comment February 2, 2003

50 Random Things, Part Three

Everyone else in the world can do these long list-type things in one entry, so why can’t I? I’m gonna try to make up for it by attacking the second half in a single entry. So, here are even more random things about me that you probably never wanted to know:

26. My second toes are longer than my big toes.

27. My musical tastes are extremely eclectic and run toward trends. One day it’s all modern rock, the next day it’s all 80s. I am currently nurturing a secret love for lite radio. “We had it all…Just like Bogey and Bacall” and other lame lite hits.

28. I dye my hair almost exactly the same color as it actually is. I know that’s weird.

29. I cannot dance without the aid of several shots of tequila.

30. I prefer Mexican booze whenever possible. Corona, anyone? Cuervo?

31. I loathe sausage. Except when it’s in little tiny bits on a pizza, and then it’s sometimes okay, but usually I have to pick at least half the little bits off the pizza before I can actually eat it. Biscuits and gravy make me wanna barf.

32. Along those lines, I eat meat, but generally not for breakfast or on pizza.

33. I am obsessed with the following shows: American Idol, Joe Millionaire, Survivor, CSI, Without a Trace, and The Sopranos (when available). Incidentally, my TV schedule right now is more full than it has been for years.

34. I have a pathological inability to keep plants alive. People at the office keep giving me plants and I always kill them within two weeks of receiving them.

Along with the plant thing- exactly once in my prior life I was doing really well with plants and had about 6 or 7 healthy little guys in my apartment in Chicago. But then my boyfriend dumped me over the phone on my birthday and that weekend I threw every plant I owned in the garbage. So.

35. I’m a huge fan of ice hockey although I’m currently too poor to go to any games.

36. I think people should do whatever the hell they want to as long as they aren’t harming someone else or bugging the shit out of someone else trying to get them to join in, and I really do mean that for most situations. Porn? Drugs? Life? Do your thing, man.

37. Just fucking do NOT try to convert me. Thanks.

38. I think most people have children for the wrong reasons.

39. I think it’s a really bad idea to put your dog in the back of your pickup truck unless s/he is restrained in a carrier that is anchored down.

40. I curse way, way, waaaaaaay too much. WAY too much. Sometimes no word will describe a situation quite as well as “motherFUCKER.”

41. I’m terrified of train crossings.

42. I’m also afraid of bridges over large expanses of water (i.e. the Mississippi River).

43. And big things like ships and dams and enormous machinery.

44. I’m extremely non-confrontational, sometimes to the point of being ridiculous. It is an ongoing joke in my department that I spend much of the day hiding upstairs in my office and only race downstairs once or twice a day to do a quick errand. This schedule revolves around the movements of a co-worker I cannot stand.

45. I almost never answer my telephone. It’s not so much that I hate talking on the phone, because I really don’t mind it. But I hate answering the phone. So I check my VM a lot and call back.

46. I haven’t eaten fast food since I read Fast Food Nation, but I still can’t get away from occasional hot dogs. I know, they’re made of gross stuff. But man, hot dogs taste GOOD.

47. I hate teddy bears.

48. I used to be obsessed with the wonder that is Target, but then I got a second job there in order to make extra cash for Christmas this past year, and promptly grew to nearly hate the place. After quitting that loathsome job I got back some of the Target love, but I still don’t shop there nearly as often as I used to.

49. Along those lines, I DETEST Wal*Mart. Wal*Mart can see me in hell. Merely driving into a Wal*Mart parking lot sends me into delirious spasms of irritation.

I may have said this before.

and FINALLY:

50. I would like to someday be able to play bass guitar, play racquetball, and practice aikido.

And there it is! Fifty utterly random things that you, the reader, now know about me.

Tomorrow, wisdom teeth. Eek.

1 Comment January 30, 2003

50 Random Things, Part Two

A continuation of last Thursday’s entry:

16. I earned my college degree in radio/television/film studies, but have seen very few of those films commonly regarded as “classics.” I’ve seen fewer than half of the movies of AFI’s top 100 list.

17. My first real pet was a lop-eared rabbit named Mr. Bojangles. He died.

18. Theoretically I play the flute, although I haven’t played it for a few years now. I always hated how competitive it was. I should’ve played the bassoon or something.

19. I flat-out suck at wrapping presents. My presents look like they were wrapped by a blind left-handed five-year-old named Lenny.

20. Along the lines of manual dexterity, I’m not crafty in general. Despite numerous attempts, I cannot seem to learn to sew, or knit, or crochet, or do any of those common skills that young women were once supposed to learn.

21. I am, however, really good at video games like Mario Bros.

22. And I think the old-school Nintendos were the most fun of all the systems I’ve tried.

23. In high school I played varsity volleyball and soccer. Except that I suck, royally, at soccer. I don’t know how I ever got any playing time. I’m not too bad at volleyball though, despite being short.

24. I have a weird blood condition that sometimes makes me pass out in the shower.

25. I generally loathe people with red hair. It’s not the red hair on its own, but rather that 99.95% of the people I’ve known with red hair have turned out to be assholes. So it kind of makes me doubt the redheaded population in general. If you’re a nice person with red hair I would love to be friends with you just to prove myself wrong.

Halfway there…more to come. These lists are harder than I thought!

Leave a Comment January 20, 2003

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