Filed under: open letters

Open Letter

Dear All Sportscasters in the Universe,


Suck it,

6 Comments October 22, 2005

Open Letter

Dear Jake Plummer,

We’re making progress. I’ve complained and complained to you about the whole mountain man look, and I’m happy to see that you’ve been paying at least a little bit of attention. But seriously, for the love of all that is good in this world, LOSE THAT STUPID MUSTACHE. It makes you look creepy, and I hope I speak for most people when I tell you that White Trash Chic is not an acceptable replacement for Mountain Man Chic. You used to be so pretty, Jake. C’mon. Shave it.


PS – Great game!

14 Comments September 27, 2005

Open Letter

Dear ‘Cats:

I love you guys. I do. You should know that. You should know that in the way love works, I’ll support you no matter what you do, whether you win or lose.

The coolest thing about our band is that we love the team, and the team loves us. We know that our extracurricular activity wouldn’t exist without yours. We know that while what we do is important to us and entertaining to some, our real purpose is to support you, to cheer you on, to be there no matter what. And it’s ingrained in each of us, even after we graduate.

For four years I performed in every home game you played, some away games, and a bowl game, even when I was sick as a dog, with bloody blistered feet, with terrible hangovers, with two hours of sleep the night before. I sang the alma mater to you. I took classes with you and worked on speeches with you and mock-tackled you in the halls.

I learned football for you. I watch the NFL draft every year for you. I’ve become a fan of NFL teams I never used to care about, because some of you play for them. The Raiders, for Jebus’ sake! I even root for the fuckin’ Raiders sometimes!

So please, please, even though it’s true that I’ll support you no matter what, could you please possibly win an important game once in awhile? Especially if it’s your fifth bowl appearance in school history and you’re playing a team from the MAC in Detroit?

I love you even though you let a lead slip away in the fourth quarter, but I’d love you more if you’d been able to hang onto it, guys. I mean, seriously.

3 Comments December 26, 2003

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