As a human being, I am constantly becoming.
I used that the other day kind of flippantly to explain to a friend why I nearly reached the age of twenty-eight without owning Bob Marley’s Legend. Or any other Bob Marley albums, for that matter.
But it applies to so many other things, too. I am learning. I am growing. I am changing. And I hope I’m never finished.
I have been quiet here for a while because I have had a few very challenging months. I was really torn about how to handle things during that time. It was kind of weird because for the last five years I’ve worked a lot of stuff out right here in this space, but this time I just didn’t have the energy or the strength or the inclination to lay myself bare. My withdrawal here has kind of mirrored withdrawal in my personal life. It was really easy to blame it on my phenomenally stressful project, but though it’s not done and may never be done, its immediate demands have mostly fallen away and that did not solve everything.
So here I sit, a few days into 2008, and I still can’t bring myself to sum up 2007 the way I usually do at the end of a year. I am not sure if, when all is said and done, it’s going to land as a bad year or a good year. A little of both, maybe. But since a lot of the tough stuff has come in the later part of the year it’s caused me to lose perspective. It is difficult sometimes to keep your eyes on the good stuff when you’re constantly trying to spot it through the bad.
And, you know, that reads very dramatic I suppose, but nothing catastrophic happened last year. I don’t want to say nothing happened at all, because that’s not true. Things happened. But mostly they were little things that piled on. Little work things, little personal things, little health things, little family things, little financial things…it’s tough to hold so many little things in one basket, and the effort can be exhausting.
So recently I’ve been looking at all the little things in that basket. I’m trying to figure out which ones I can let go because they’re unimportant, and which ones I must set aside because I cannot control them, and which ones I need to continue to carry because they are really and truly my responsibility. So far this is working out okay. I am feeling lighter already. But there really is a lot of crap in that stupid basket, and I know that sorting through it all is going to take some time and some work.
I am fine, or I’m going to be fine. I’m not sure which yet, but either outcome is okay with me. I promise to write a little more and I’ll do my best to be a little more forthcoming when I can.
So…um…have you seen Juno yet? If not, you really should as soon as you can. It’s quite excellent, and would be a fabulous way to spend a couple of hours this week. Or, even better, go now. Stop whatever you’re doing, stop reading this stupid website, and go to the movies. And report back to me if you do.