whirling dervish

It was a million bajillion degrees earlier this week, and now it’s 54 degrees and I have lampshade hair. And that’s a bad thing.

I am incapable of dressing appropriately for the weather at this time of year because it’s always hotter than ten hells upstairs in my house, and so I sweat all night while I’m sleeping, and I wake up sweaty, and I take a shower and then I get out of the shower and I’m sweaty, and I dry my hair and I keep sweating, and then I get dressed and I walk outside and sometimes, it’s 54 damn degrees. And I should have worn a jacket, and I shouldn’t have bothered sweating through drying my hair since I now have lampshade hair. At least it’s clean lampshade hair, I guess. But I’m chilly and I’ve been chilly all day and that means my nipples keep wanting to poke out because they’re cold, except half the time only one nipple pokes out, like WHAT THE HELL?!?! Why does that one have to be all out there? I go in the bathroom and try to push it down and sometimes it works.

After a string of loud clangs, cursing, and various forms of “ow” coming from my office, my coworkers suggested that if I’m going to keep bumping into everything, I should start bringing in old t-shirts to pad all the corners and drawer handles and stuff in my office. Seriously, my legs are black and blue. At least I am wearing pants today, because I look dumb enough with the lampshade hair. Another of my coworkers tugged at a loose string on her shirt and ended up pulling a hole into the shirt right where her boob is. She’s been wearing a name tag over it all day, which I find awesome and hilarious.

Last night I finally sort of cleaned out my fridge after neglecting it for weeks and weeks. I haven’t really been cooking, and all the leftovers in there were weeks old, so I threw that shit out. I also had three half-gallons of milk. See, I rarely drink milk and mostly just use it on cereal, but I get paranoid about it going bad, so I often throw it out randomly. I think we’ve had this discussion before. So I had a jug of milk that was half-used and I meant to throw it away, but I forgot to put it out with the trash on trash day so I left it in the fridge until the next trash day so it wouldn’t stink up my garbage. And then I bought a new jug. And then I got bronchitis and wasn’t touching dairy for a few weeks. So then I had two questionable jugs of milk and a craving for cereal, so I went out and bought a third jug of milk and used it. Last night I finally remembered to put those first two jugs out with the trash, and let me tell you, it was total science experiment time up in there. The contents of the original jug were brown and chunky, and possibly glowing in the dark. I also threw away two half-empty boxes of cereal because I am paranoid about bugs and stale cereal, and so if I can’t remember the last time I ate cereal I will throw it away and get a new box. My parents are going to crap their pants when they read this, because this is definitely not how they raised me. It’s a neurosis I’ve developed as an adultish person.

Speaking of being an adultish person, I had Peanut Butter Crunch for dinner last night, and for breakfast this morning. And guess what I’m having for dinner tonight? And when it runs out, I have a box of Fruity Pebbles all lined up and ready to go.

In other news, I don’t think Ben and Jerry’s is nearly as good as everyone else seems to think. It has too much stuff in it.

Here’s what is in my fridge now that I cleaned it out: Diet Dr. Pepper, a half-bottle of grape juice, beer, a half-jug of so far not questionable milk, and 800 million condiments.

In exactly two weeks I’m supposed to be giving a presentation at a conference in DC and I’m not even entirely sure what it’s about now, to tell you the truth. I guess I ought to look at that.

I severely overcommitted myself between work things and work-related volunteer things and non-work-related volunteer things, and if you haven’t noticed, it’s made me kind of spastic. I’m working on getting my head back into a space where I can write regularly and have it make some sort of sense.

Comments 6

  • Between the wasted milk and the disappointment in ice cream, I envision the cows supplying their precious cargo to you: Bessie, trapped in a overzealous milking machine, turns to the camera and said flatly, “That Lorie? She’s a bitch.”

  • That name tag over the boob thing is HILARIOUS! I miss your posts!

  • The one headlight thing is pretty damn funny, too. And the poking it back in, yeah, that’s something that’s done and is rarely talked about.

  • HA! I do the exact same thing with milk and cereal! Except, I like to pour the questionable milk down the sink drain, rinse out the jug and ‘break it down’ so that it’ll fit in my garbage bin. Gets it out of the fridge much quicker and it doesn’t smell. :)

  • so. Thing one: Lampshade hair? WTF?, Thing 2: You CAN drive it home with one headlight… just saying… , Thing 3: Yes, wash out the milk jugs – and don’t throw them away.. RECYCLE

    And finally… when is said trip to DC.. and are you coming to see me on the way back? Yes?

  • Still don’t know what is pooper, what is lampshade hair?

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