The Jehovah’s Witnesses are after me. I think they want my soul.
I’ve been getting cryptic voice mails once a week or so for the last few weeks, where women with shifty mumbly voices quote passages from the Bible and then hang up. I finally did a caller ID cross-check and determined that the calls were from the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I’ve tried to call them back three or four times to tell them to knock it the hell off, but the phone always rings and rings and no one ever answers.
And then yesterday I had a cryptic hand-addressed medium-sized manila envelope in my mailbox. I did not recognize the return address. I was trying to remember if I’d signed up for or ordered anything recently, and I couldn’t decide whether or not to open it. Maybe it was full of anthrax or a flat bomb. Maybe it was a death threat.
No, it was a hand-written letter with more Bible verses and my very own free copy of The Watchtower.
It looks like there’s an organized direct marketing campaign going on to increase membership. And, you know, if I’m going to find God, something tells me it’s not happening through odd and cryptic voice mails or packages sent to my house.
Leave me alone. If I need anything, I know where to find you.