My doctor thinks a big gnarly knotted muscle in my lower back is compressing one or more nerves. He put me on a 12-day prednisone pack to try to make everything calm the hell down back there. I asked him if I needed to know anything about prednisone and he said it would give me a lot of energy and it might make me sleepy. He did not suggest that my night might go like this:
Stay wide awake on the computer until past 1 in the morning. Decide to try for some sleep even though totally not tired. Check the locks, round up the cats, get in bed and read for a while. Turn off the light and curl up.
Hear a noise. Turn on the light. Change mind and turn off the light.
Creep to the window in the darkness. Peek through the blinds like a crazy old shut-in, searching for evidence of robbers, deer, or aliens. See none. Creep back to bed and curl up.
Turn on light. Toenail is snagging on bedsheets. Try and fail to pick at snag. Go downstairs for nail clippers. Clip snag. Notice open laundry closet door and momentarily freak out in case robbers, deer, or aliens have hidden inside. Realize that source of noise was cat accidentally shut in laundry closet before engineering ingenious escape. Close closet. Go upstairs. Turn off light.
Turn on light. Socks would probably help with falling asleep. Find and put on socks. Turn off light.
Turn on light. Socks may be on wrong feet. Adjust. Turn off light.
Turn on light. Legs are really freaking hairy. Marvel at growth. Consider counting moles on legs and arms and obsessing about whether any may be cancerous. Stop at twenty on right arm. Turn off light.
Turn on light. Hungry. Go downstairs for applesauce. Decide that playing Westward for a while can’t hurt. Get stumped on a task. Quit game. Go upstairs. Pee. Back in bed. Turn off light.
Decide pillows are probably at fault. Switch pillows.
Turn on light. Remember plans to loan Season 2 of The Office and iPod cable to coworker. Collect items and put near purse. Back in bed. Turn off light.
Turn on light. May as well finish Jennifer Weiner short story collection. Finish book. Think about rearranging bookshelves. Think about writing a post about how cool a person Jennifer Weiner seems to be in her interviews and book notes. Taunt cat with his own tail for a while. Turn off light.
Look at clock. Almost 5:00 in the morning. Think about in college when there was always someone awake to talk to at almost 5:00 in the morning. Wonder if tapping noise is from heating vent or freezing rain outside. Consider whether going to IHOP would be a bad idea. Think about writing a post about mostly sleepless night. Consider writing it all in one long paragraph so as to convey the seemingly endless feeling of it all. Make plans to spend outrageous advance on book deal arranged as a result of such genius thinking. Get up and walk around for a while. Decide to fall asleep if it results in death. Get back in bed with a damn mission. Toss and turn helplessly until after 6. Sleep solidly until just after 7, and doze fitfully until 8.
Get out of bed, get dressed, and go to work. Sit like a zombie with a weird simultaneous combination of exhaustion and wiredness. Write a post about it.