One of the downsides to joining the choir, I thought, was that I wouldn’t be able to have trick-or-treaters since I had rehearsal on Halloween. I didn’t have trick-or-treaters last year, either, because I was at work and then I had to come home and barf for the rest of the night. Something told me that barf and trick-or-treating didn’t go well together.
So, anyway, I’ve never had my very own trick-or-treaters.
This year, I was moping around whining about how I wouldn’t have any trick-or-treaters because I would only be home until 7:15 when someone pointed out to me that, duh, 6 to 7 is like the prime hour for trick-or-treating. So then I freaked out because I didn’t have any candy.
Last night, I went to the grocery store to get some candy for my very first trick-or-treaters and I was completely overwhelmed by the options. I don’t know any of my neighbors and have no clue how active the trick-or-treating scene is in my community, so I was not about to spend $10 on one of those super-ultra-megamix bags of candy that might go untouched. And I had to get candy that I actually liked in case no one came to my house and I was forced to eat it all myself while weeping silently about my lack of trick-or-treaters. But I couldn’t get, like, Dove Promises (even though I like them) because I’m pretty sure kids would consider Dove Promises to be old-people candy and I am not about to be the person whose house everyone avoids because she gives out old-people candy.
Although I guess I couldn’t be as bad as the possibly senile old guy who used to give out Easter and Christmas candy in the neighborhood where I lived as a kid. And we’re not talking early-season Christmas candy here. We’re talking LAST YEAR’s Christmas candy.
I’m not motivated enough to be the really cool house with the decorations and stuff. I just have the one little hanging thing on the door. No jack-o-lanterns or anything. So at the very least I need to have good candy.
So I got a bag of fun-sized Twix. Because I like Twix, and kids like Twix, so I figured it was a win-win situation.
Side note: There is a guy in the world whom some friends of mine have referred to as “Post-Coital Twix Guy” for, like, years now. That story involves Halloween and fun-sized Twix and is probably best told another day.
Okay, so now I have my Twix in the very festive orange plastic Halloween candy bowl, and I’m not sure how to hand it out. Do I give them the candy myself or do I let them pick it out? If I let them pick it out, do I have to tell them to only take one piece? Or two pieces? Is that totally miserly? What if I don’t limit it and some kid takes like fifty pieces and then I have to run to CVS to get more? Holy crap, I didn’t get enough candy. I should go to CVS and get some backup candy anyway. What if I do limit it and/or hand out one to two pieces and I become that stingy bitch who has good candy but rations it out like we’re in Depression-era middle America?
I think I don’t have enough candy.
I had no idea the pressure to be a good trick-or-treat house would be so intense.