Okay, so it’s not funny. At all. Not even a little funny. Not even a little tiny bit.
Some thoughts I had while reading the article:
a) The University of Northern Colorado, known as UNC if you’re from around there, is in Greeley, about a half-hour from where we used to live. I took the SAT there in 1991 or so as part of the Rocky Mountain Talent Search which was some thingie for gifted kids. I also competed in at least one spelling bee there, that I remember. It seems like it was maybe kind of a ghetto campus. I’m not sure, though.
b) Two of my three sisters were born at NCMC (Northern Colorado Medical Center), where the stabbee (possibly not a word) was taken for treatment. Also notable: my aunt used to work there, and she was working there at the switchboard around the time when the Kobe Bryant rape accusations hit the media. I think there were rumors that the alleged victim had received treatment of some kind, maybe for mental illness, at that facility. In any case, my aunt had to field like a bajillion calls from reporters wanting dirt.
c) Evans, Colorado is Nowheresville, if I remember correctly.
d) What’s a college student doing driving a Dodge Charger, and seriously, how dumb is this kid anyway? Did he think the starting punter wouldn’t recognize him? Did he think that putting tape over the license plate on his totally not-at-all distinctive Dodge Charger would keep him from being recognized? Not to mention the fact that he removed the tape in front of a liquor store, apparently in full view of the liquor store clerk. Nope, that’s not suspicious at all.
e) I wonder how the third-string punter is feeling today.