When A Swimsuit Becomes A Rocket Launcher

Last weekend, I went and handed in my deposit for my pool key. I didn’t go to the pool last weekend, though, because the weather was kind of sucky. I thought I might go this weekend. I got off work early today and went to Target to pick up a few things, and while I was there, I tried on swimsuits. I did this for three reasons:

  1. I have two swimsuits. One is in Australia with Sammi (I think). So I only have one swimsuit here in the United States, and I’d like to have another so I can alternate them.
  2. I bought the first swimsuit in 1996, and the second in 1997. As you may know, it is now 2006.
  3. I am a glutton for punishment.

So I tried on suits at Target. They all sucked. Nothing makes you feel fat and pasty and gross like trying on swimsuits. This is one of the areas where being busty hurts me the most – it is insanely difficult to find a good swimsuit that holds the boobs just right. I didn’t like anything there, and I don’t have enough extra money right now to do any serious swimsuit shopping, so I decided I could live with the 1997 swimsuit until the end of the month when I get paid. I’ll probably only go to the pool three or four times between now and then anyway.

I came home and put my other Target stuff away and promptly had second thoughts about going to the pool this afternoon. I felt weird going by myself. Trying on suits had left me feeling fat and gross and sweaty. I worried that I’d get there and there wouldn’t be anywhere for me to sit. I worried about lots of really dumb things.

Then I figured I was being kind of silly. The reason I’ve had the 1997 suit since 1997 is because it’s a classic style and pattern, and still fits well, and still flatters. I hardly know anyone in my complex anyway, so who cares what they think? And if I don’t suck it up and go to the pool by myself, then I’ll waste the whole summer with a pool key I never use.

So I put on the 1997 swimsuit. It is blue and it fastens behind my neck. I put on SPF 30 sunblock so I could at least minimize my inevitable sunburn. By the way, I discovered Coppertone’s continuous spray sunscreens last summer and they kick ass. Just saying. I put on shorts and a tee over the swimsuit. I put on my flip-flops. I packed my little beach bag with a towel and the sunblock and my keys and my sunglasses and a book and my iPod. And then I thought that it would be a good idea to take a bottle of water. But I’m out of bottled water and I burned off the top of my Nalgene bottle in the dishwasher a few weeks ago, so I didn’t even have a proper container to put tap water in. I decided to walk over to CVS to get a couple of bottles of water to take to the pool with me.

At CVS, I opened up the cooler and bent down to grab a bottle of water. And the fastener on the 1997 swimsuit snapped in half.

At first, I just thought it had come unhooked. But when I reached back to try to grab the two pieces and rehook them, the broken piece of fastener fell off into my hand. Paying for the water was tricky, because the straps were only just barely staying in the vicinity of my shoulders, and I feared that my massive boobs would bust free and wreak havoc at any moment. I was all distracted trying to keep my elbows in and my arms still while I paid. I’m sure the cashier thought I was nuts. And then I rushed home, but smoothly, so my boobs wouldn’t fall out until I got in the house.

They fell out pretty much the instant I entered my patio.

So now I’m sitting at home with sunblocked arms and legs, a pool key, a packed beach bag, two bottles of water, and a broken 1997 swimsuit crumpled up and thrown in the corner. That sucks.

Comments 13

  • a safety pin: look into one and get poolin’!

    …and, anyway, weren’t you wearing a teeshirt over that suit?

    girls are weird.

  • I agree with ~A, if you can swing it, safety pin that sucker until you can get a new baben suit. No one will notice the safety pin I’m sure, and you shouldn’t have to wait until the end of the month to put some use to that pool key! :)

  • I think you guys don’t understand the power of my boobs. They laugh in the face of safety pins and t-shirts.

  • Doesn’t it suck being a size “D” in a size “B” world?

  • nothing says retro loriestories like BoobLorieate*stories!

    at this rate you’re gonna be posting about video game tennis and eBay nintendo before the month is over.

    *think “poet laureate”

  • Maybe knot the two pieces together at the back of your neck? I feel your pain/embarrassment, but just be glad it didn’t happen at the pool, in front of all your neighbors as your pulling yourself up the little pool ladder thingy all Phoebe Cates a’la Ridgemont High style.

  • What kelly said. I stil remember being “pantsed” right out of my swim suit in ninth grade at the high school pool by Andy Hill.

  • Yeah… some people can get away with being braless, or just shrug it off if their suit breaks under a t-shirt… but you all clearly don’t appreciate the magnatude of the Lorie-boob situation… I feel ya Lorie, I don’t wanna go to my pool alone either.

  • Sheer boobal hilarity.

  • I too have issues with finding suits that will reign in the girls. I was thinking about trying the suits at Target this weekend but decided not to torture myself just yet. Your story had me laughing so much people around me were giggling. I only laugh because I totally know what you’re talking about. Have you tried the Victoria’s Secret Ipex bras (different than a swimsuit, I know)? They are amazing and my new best friend. I’ve never had a bra so amazing and effective. It made me realize just how sucky all of my other bras are. Damn boobs.

  • Patrick, I had no idea… how’d I ever miss ’em?

  • Lorie, I got a suit from J Crew a couple years ago that does pretty well keeping the boobs in. It’s a bandeau style with a neck strap as well. Although, the neck strapdoes have to be utilized in order to keep in the boobs and after a while it starts to dig into my neck. But if you’re just laying out and not moving much, you can undo the strap.

  • *rein in.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.