Disinherited

I’m not entirely positive about this, as the dust is still settling, but I think I’ve been written out of the will.

It all started on Friday when I called Family HQ in a snit about something and my dad told my sister to tell me that I had $42 in library fines outstanding at the Roanoke County Public Library – Vinton Branch. I changed my snit to be about the library fines, as follows:

  1. Whatever, man, I’m not paying those.
  2. And anyway, I probably didn’t even check out most of the books on that list.
  3. And also, I’m going to sue the library for releasing my private personal delinquent library fine information to you without my permission.
  4. And you know what else? I don’t even live there anymore. I don’t even know where my library card IS. I have much better things to spend $42 on, and isn’t there a statute of limitations on library fines? Because I’m nearly positive that I haven’t even BEEN to that library since like 2000 or earlier, like that’s a different CENTURY, so whatever, screw that, I’m not paying them.

And so on.

Dad’s all, “If you snap your underwear at me* one more time, I’m writing you out of the will.”

I’m like, “BUMMER. Because you guys are going to leave us SO MUCH MONEY.”

Dad says I’m at the bottom of the list, then amends it to say that I’m second to last, because Sammi’s the black sheep since she went away to college and started hanging out with Bad Influences and so she’s actually last in line. But I’m third.

Ginny wants to know where she stands. Dad says she’s second, because Jamie’s the only one who hasn’t actively annoyed him this week. Jamie’s all, WOO HOOOOOOOOOO, I GET THE ESTATE! and we’re like yeah, that’ll last right up until you mouth off and/or get grounded again. Ginny’s offended because she’s second in line instead of first. I’m making plans to sue the library for $42 for releasing my private personal delinquent library fine information to someone else without my consent, and then using my $42 judgment to pay off my library fines. I consider adding a request for $8 worth of pain and suffering so that it’ll be an even $50, and then I can buy lunch with the $8.

Later on, we meet up with Sammi, and tell her that she’s last in line for the inheritance, and she gets all upset, but then Ginny remembers that my parents last amended their will shortly after I was born, so actually I’m going to get everything no matter what. I’m all, I WIN. YOU SUCK. BOW DOWN TO ME.

*Family in-joke: “Don’t snap your underwear at me” basically means, “quit being pissy.” We say it a lot.

Comments 5

  • i am often jealous of your family.

    i’m serious.

  • I read… BOW DOWN TO ME… as BLOW ME… but only because of a conversation we had in english today that went thusly

    Teacher: What did that mean she bought her clemancy ….

    Student A: Did she kiss him?

    Student B: No. She went down on him!

    Teacher: Well… yeah. That’s what she did, basically.

    and also, it was $42.60 in fines…

  • If Philip Baker Hall comes knocking on your door…don’t answer it.

  • Ooh, that’s a good’n (snapping of underwear).

  • i told you guys in the black sheep

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