It should be illegal to go pants shopping while under the influence of menstruation.
Last week, the day before I was to leave for Vegas I left work early to pick up a few last-minute things prior to the trip. One of the things I set out to find was a pair of plain khaki pants, since you wonderful people convinced me that I needed to wear khakis to the conference. At that time, I didn’t own a pair of khaki pants.
Halfway through that shopping trip, I remembered why I didn’t own a pair of khaki pants – because, in my experience, plain khaki pants are INCREDIBLY difficult to find for some reason. I didn’t want khaki capris. I didn’t want khaki-colored suit pants. I didn’t want TAPERED-LEG khaki pants. I didn’t want khaki pants with cargo pockets. I didn’t want ultra-low rise khaki pants. I just wanted a plain damn pair of khaki pants with a bootcut leg. That’s it.
Here’s where I went looking for said pants:
- The mall (NY & Company, The Gap, American Eagle, Express)
- Burlington Coat Factory
- T.J. Maxx
- BACK TO THE STUPID MALL.
I’d like to add that pretty much every store on that list was ten to fifteen minutes in the opposite direction from whatever store preceded it. About halfway through the khaki pants expedition, I began to leave Sammi increasingly psychotic voice mails about khaki pants. So I headed back to the mall, thinking maybe I’d get lucky in Belk.
After wandering around like a blithering idiot lost in the desert, I finally stumbled into the Misses Casual or whatever it’s called, where I found a pair of Tommy Hilfiger khaki pants that were exactly what I had in mind. And when my normal size would barely button, I developed temporary amnesia about my gargantuan menstrual bloat and bought the next size up.
A week later, I’m swimming in the damn next size up.
And when I think about the fact that in my haze of menstrual insanity, I spent almost SEVENTY DOLLARS on a pair of pants that I should have known would be too loose in a week, I die a little inside.