Sometime in the last few days, I was in the shower or in bed falling asleep or somewhere where I do my most creative thinking, and I was thinking about clever t-shirts. Because, you know, people get t-shirts with ironic sayings or clever vintage prints or with their porn star name or their zodiac sign or whatever and that’s all cool and trendy and everyone’s doing it. So I decided that I’m going to pioneer a new trend – height t-shirts.
I’m going to make a shirt that just says “five four” and wear it around. Maybe I’ll sell height t-shirts and get rich off of that. And it’ll bring the world together, because when I’m out I might see someone else wearing the five four shirt and I’ll know we’re the same height, and we’ll bond. And if I see a guy wearing a five four shirt I’ll know that he has Short Man Syndrome and I should not date him. I’ll look for someone who’s wearing the five nine shirt at minimum.
If you steal this idea I will cut you.
Last night I had a dream about this potion that would shrink you down into the size and shape of a baby, but you could still think like your actual age. It looked and tasted like soy sauce and it came in little plastic pouches like milk did when I was in school and you would cut off the corner of the pouch and drink the magic soy sauce and you’d turn into an infant. It lasted for a little while and then it wore off and you returned to normal. Somehow in the dream, the potion was useful for medical treatments – there was some kind of treatment that worked better on babies. And I had some kind of disease and I needed to drink the magic soy sauce but I got a defective batch, so it made me all sick and tripped out but didn’t shrink me and I had to be rushed to the hospital and it was all very strange.