Magic Soy Sauce

February 14, 2006

Sometime in the last few days, I was in the shower or in bed falling asleep or somewhere where I do my most creative thinking, and I was thinking about clever t-shirts. Because, you know, people get t-shirts with ironic sayings or clever vintage prints or with their porn star name or their zodiac sign or whatever and that’s all cool and trendy and everyone’s doing it. So I decided that I’m going to pioneer a new trend – height t-shirts.

I’m going to make a shirt that just says “five four” and wear it around. Maybe I’ll sell height t-shirts and get rich off of that. And it’ll bring the world together, because when I’m out I might see someone else wearing the five four shirt and I’ll know we’re the same height, and we’ll bond. And if I see a guy wearing a five four shirt I’ll know that he has Short Man Syndrome and I should not date him. I’ll look for someone who’s wearing the five nine shirt at minimum.

If you steal this idea I will cut you.

Last night I had a dream about this potion that would shrink you down into the size and shape of a baby, but you could still think like your actual age. It looked and tasted like soy sauce and it came in little plastic pouches like milk did when I was in school and you would cut off the corner of the pouch and drink the magic soy sauce and you’d turn into an infant. It lasted for a little while and then it wore off and you returned to normal. Somehow in the dream, the potion was useful for medical treatments – there was some kind of treatment that worked better on babies. And I had some kind of disease and I needed to drink the magic soy sauce but I got a defective batch, so it made me all sick and tripped out but didn’t shrink me and I had to be rushed to the hospital and it was all very strange.

Filed under: everyday stories


  • 1. Heather B.  |  February 14, 2006 at 10:46 am


  • 2. Ginny  |  February 14, 2006 at 11:39 am

    You know why you were dreaming about soy sauce… it’s cause you’re on Asian Food Overload this week.

    And that magic soy sauce – that’s SOY BUDDY!!!!

  • 3. mike  |  February 14, 2006 at 12:17 pm

    What if you’re wearing your six one shirt and you see some dude in a six one shirt knifing an elderly lady in the neck and then the police come and start asking the other bystanders what the attacker was wearing?

  • 4. will  |  February 14, 2006 at 2:20 pm

    I think you miss the simplicities of childhood, and would like to revisit them, if in only a temporal sense.

    And the guy in the five four shirt just went deeper into Short Man syndrome…

  • 5. ~A  |  February 14, 2006 at 2:25 pm

    I think you miss the simplicities of mind-altering drugs even as you fear the unknown. You should do drugs; Let Go – Let Drugs.

  • 6. ~Agrrr  |  February 14, 2006 at 2:26 pm

    re: dream

  • 7. lorie  |  February 14, 2006 at 2:28 pm

    watch out – that baby you’re cooing at might just be an adult under the influence of…


  • 8. jim  |  February 14, 2006 at 9:17 pm

    The shirt idea is rad as hell.

    Also, the first I heard of Short Man Syndrome was in relation to the original Jesters drummer. Man was that guy a dick. On eof the reasons I quit the band.

    I like your journal.

  • 9. Sandy  |  February 15, 2006 at 12:13 am

    Oh, GODDDDDD, short guys. I’m a shorty, so I mean, for me a short guy is super short. But I will never again date a guy that doesn’t clear me by at least 4 inches. So I mean, 5’6″. That’s leeway.

    Your baby dream makes me wish I still had my dream interp book, though I do not remember a “magic soy sauce” entry.

  • 10. will  |  February 15, 2006 at 7:12 am

    Speaking of magic soy sauce, how’s your diet coming along?

  • 11. andrew  |  February 15, 2006 at 8:42 am

    Somehow, “five eleven and a half” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. I might have to be left out of the t-shirt thing.

  • 12. lorie  |  February 15, 2006 at 9:08 am

    ginny and i decided that the shirts don’t come in half inches. so you have to round up or down – you can get the “five eleven” or the “six even.”

  • 13. Taylor  |  February 15, 2006 at 10:57 am

    Boys would just lie about their height on the shirts anyway. Did you know that’s the number one lie that males tell? About how tall they are? They’re way more likely to embellish their true height than anything else. What we REALLY need are t-shirts with accurate depictions of their… yeah. My mind went to a dirty place.

  • 14. Ginny  |  February 15, 2006 at 11:02 am

    Penis SIZE… you were gonna say PENIS SIZE….!!!

  • 15. ~A  |  February 15, 2006 at 2:50 pm

    I’m 6’3″; it doesn’t often matter whether I get around to stating it; just about everyone comes up to between my chest and my chin.

    Tall, I don’t have to lie about it, I am it. ;o)

  • 16. Amy Bo Bamy  |  February 15, 2006 at 7:05 pm

    Good god girl, what have you been smoking?! And can I have some? ;)

  • 17. Amy Bo Bamy  |  February 15, 2006 at 7:06 pm

    OMG! I just left a comment and then the whole template changed.

    It looks gorgeous. :)

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