South Bitch

I have been on the South Beach Diet for 36 hours and right now I’m pretty sure that someone will be dead by the end of the week as a result. Maybe me. Maybe you.

This was going to be a secret, that I’m doing this, but then I went and got mouth diarrhea and blurted it out to half the people in the department so the cat’s out of the bag there, and besides, I pay actual cash money every month to write about things here and the last thing I wrote about was my horrible skin so it seems like a good time to change it up a bit.

I’ll go ahead and tell you right now that I have no intention whatsoever of carrying the damn stupid South Beach Diet book around with me for the rest of my life. I was mainly interested in giving Phase 1 a shot because I’m using it to do a sort of detox. I’ve gotten into some bad eating habits, my skin all of a sudden sucks, and I haven’t been feeling very healthy lately. There are the three reasons I’m on Phase 1. When the two weeks are up, I intend to evaluate things and see what I feel like doing.

I’ve never been good at diets of any kind. Usually, when I need to feel healthier, I start working out (or working out more). My body’s built in such a way that if I work out a lot, I can eat whatever I want to and I’ll be just fine. This tends to be a better life plan for me than one in which I’m measuring out my food or double-checking lists of what I can and cannot eat.

But that’s what I’m doing now. And, quite honestly, I’m pretty fucking miserable. I’m hungry. I’m grouchy. I’m tired. I have a headache. I want a cupcake. I’ve been thinking about food constantly. I’m trying to follow the meal plans to the letter but all the preparation required is a pain in my ass, not to mention the fact that buying the food for five days of the plan set me back over $100 at the grocery store.

I don’t really want to hear about how I feel shitty because my body is craving those horrible processed carbs and how I’m addicted to carbs and I just don’t know it and how much better I’m going to feel once they’re out of my life because, seriously, I read all the literature and intellectually I know all of this, but it doesn’t make me feel any better right now. I feel like I just broke up with a boyfriend for all the wrong reasons. Or all the right reasons. I don’t know. I feel like I just decided to become a Republican. This is why I wasn’t going to write this entry in the first place.

I’m trying really hard to take it a day at a time but it’s really hard and goddammit, I want a fucking cupcake. And that’s now the fourteenth or fifteenth time I’ve said that exact thing in the last two days.

Comments 16

  • I totally understand how you feel! I tried Phase 1 about a year ago and by the third day I would have given my right arm for a jujube. I don’t even like jujubes! It really does get better after that (at least in terms of the sugar cravings) so hang in there and good luck…

  • So why are you doing this diet if it makes you feel miserable?

    The best plans allow you to eat whatever you want (in moderation, of course) and as long as you’re exercising you feel great and lose weight and won’t want to kill people in the process.

    I think I’ve tried every diet under the sun and the only one that has ever worked for me is eating sensibly and exercising. It’s not rocket science. But you probably know that.

    Also, I did the Adkins Diet a couple of years ago and I was seriously craving fruit. I don’t even eat that much fruit. I lost about 10 pounds in three weeks and didn’t gain much back after quitting the diet, but it was rough.

  • I’M ON THE CHILI DIET!
    CHILI AND EGGS IN THE MORNING! TWO CHILI DOGS FOR LUNCH AND A SENSIBLE BOWL OF CHILI AT NIGHT.

    LET ME TELLYOU, I AM NOT HUNGRY AND I DON’T HAVE THOSE PESKY CRAVINGS!!!

  • I’m on a soup and oatmeal and mashed ‘tatoes diet basically and it fucking sucks. I think for me it’s all psychological — it’s like, once I knew that I had to stay away from certain foods (well anything that requires chewing apparently), I started to crave them. Last night Scott came home with a burger and fries and I was just SO. PISSED at him. Not his fault I got my wisdom teeth out, but that shit is torture.

    At any rate — good luck with Phase 1. Hope you start to feel better soon! :)

  • Get a sash/belt thing.

    Seriously, do it.

  • I want a cupcake too.

  • The chili diet? Sounds like a shit your brains out and fart off the pounds diet to me.

  • Why doesn’t someone write a book called, I don’t know, “The Detroit Diet,” or something? The basic principle would be, “Eat that fried chicken and I’ll shoot you, bitch!”

    I think this could make a goldmine.

    Of course, I’ll shop it around as an urban chick-lit novel first, but if that doesn’t pan out… look out South Beach and Sonoma and France and the Mediterranean. You’ve got some tough-ass competition on your perfectly manicured hands!

  • OMG, dude, Weight Watchers. Normal food, $12 a week… can’t beat it. 7.2 lbs. in Week 1.

  • You’ve taken the right step and now you’ll learn what your real persistence is. I’m very surprised that you spend $100 on food; we buy bulk and use eggs, part skim string cheese, a variety of meats, LOTS of vegetables, and so forth. One inexpensive snack is veggies with a homemade hummus, where we blenderized garbanzo beans without the tanini (sp?). Non-hydrogenated oils are a must, as they are great for you and give you a sense of saiety (being full).

    I didn’t do the desserts, so maybe that’s one area your costs were incurred.

    I’m a bit puzzled about your hunger, as I didn’t have hunger pangs once when I did phase I.

    I would recommend drinking lots of water and taking brisk walks (or some other exercise).

    Hang tough; once you kick the sugar craving, it’s like kicking the smoking habit. I lost 40 lbs, and have stabilized my weight. Haven’t felt this good since I was a teenager, and if you stick with it, you’ll have a FAR more healthy and enjoyable life.

  • Oh, and take it slow on the beans at first, until your digestive system adjusts. Some people find that Beano helps with that adjustment.

    This is a good time of year to make chili, btw.

  • Sammi is currently on the ‘leftover pizza and half full soda from the night before’ diet. It seems to be doing absolutely nothing at all, but I am in college….so I wouldn’t suggest it to you

  • Everybody Loves Chili!!

    Will does, puzzlement aside, sound like he’s on to something though.

  • I’m a vegetarian and end up eating pretty healthy. But the damn burritos and the five guys just slay me. Anyway, I’ve found that with working out, I generally eat healthier and I’m losing weight.
    But don’t limit yourself. If you want chocolate, have fat free sugar free pudding. Still good and still chocolatey. Also do dark chocolate, which is a lot better for you. And don’t worry about giving in once in awhile, a cupcake will not kill you.
    If it did, I would’ve been dead loooooong ago.

  • aw man, just be happy with who you are, and be well. food issues are scary.

  • hey dude… i got my hair did… go look at my flickr photos!

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