Monthly Archives: December 2005

Killing Time While Waiting For The UPS Man

Here are the people you see at Target at 2:30 or 3:00 or 3:30 on a weekday afternoon:

3 kids, high-school or young college-aged maybe, two young women and a young man standing just beside the Xhilaration display in women’s clothing. One of the young women is clearly the ringleader – the blonde, the one with the careful coordination of long, straight, blonde hair, sunglasses on head, green puffer vest over indiscriminately-colored long-sleeved tee and jeans tucked into those weird furry boots that are apparently trendy these days. She has an almost-matching furry bag and she’s talking on her cell phone and obviously making the other two wait on her, but they’re just as obviously used to this, to the point that maybe they don’t even know they’re waiting on her, and they flip absentmindedly through the peasant shirts and talk about Hyundai Sonatas while they wait on their blonde ringleader.

One woman, immaculately overdressed for a Wednesday afternoon in dark-rinse jeans, black stiletto boots, black leather jacket over some kind of black shirt with jewels or sequins or some kind of tastefully expensive doodads on it. She has expensive rings and an expensive haircut and an expensive bag and she’s walking with a kickass purpose, like she’s in a seriously important hurry. She hangs a left and I imagine she’s after tampons, or maybe a card for a friend.

A mother and her teenage daughter, both dressed in pink and black and denim, and I’m almost certain that it’s unintentional and that the daughter, at least, would be horrified if she realized that she dressed to match her mom today. They’re fighting over where to go – the mother wants to look at the discounted One Spot bins and the daughter is tugging her toward the peasant shirts where the blonde ringleader and her disciples are still hanging around.

A young mother, in her mid-twenties at the oldest, with a baby in one of those carrier-things in the shopping cart, standing in front of the drinks in the refrigerated case in Food Avenue. She looks tired. She first selects a sugary juice drink, and then puts it back in favor of a bottle of water, which is replaced by one of those superfood drinks, but then I notice her almost furtively switch it back out for the original sugary juice drink, which is the one she takes to the register.

Several girls, hundreds maybe, coming in waves wearing bootcut blue jeans and sneakers and gray hoodies over probably faux-vintage t-shirts, with their hair up in messy half-ponytail-bun things. As I note this trend on a napkin I catch a glimpse of the sleeve of my own gray hoodie and realize that I look exactly, precisely like these girls today, right down to the faux-vintage t-shirt under my gray hoodie. And then I feel a little weird. But then I see the Chanel bag one of the gray hoodie girls is toting and I feel different, somehow.

Two teenage couples – the girls wearing late-May barwear, low-cut shirts and jeans and embellished flip-flops, which is weird because it’s warm for December but it’s not late-May barwear warm by any stretch of the imagination. The teenage boys are dressed like teenage boys. I see them about a hundred times in Target and then again in Best Buy, looking at the video games but trying to act like they’re too cool to look at the video games.

A really, really pretty woman wearing the worst Mom-jeans I’ve ever seen. They’re that funky magic-marker weird blue color, and they’re tapered, and the butt-pockets are all wrong, and they somehow manage to give her saddlebags and chicken legs all at once, and I think how much better she’d look in a normal pair of jeans, and I wonder if anyone’s ever tried to talk her into a different style of jeans and she turned them down in favor of her old comfortable ones. But then I think maybe she just gained or lost a lot of weight, or hasn’t done any laundry, or lost her luggage on a plane trip, or lost everything except these jeans in a house fire, and maybe she has new pants in her shopping cart, and has felt horrible and embarrassed all day wearing the bad jeans and can’t wait to get home into a better pair.

And then I’m done with my pretzel and I go shopping.

Typical Day Off

The leafblower dude is quite vigorously blowing the leaves from my front walk, and has been for the last fifteen minutes or so. My whole house stinks like gas. And it’s loud. And I’ve already seen this episode of Divorce Court before, which is pretty sad.

I think it’s time to go shopping.

Something’s Always Wrong


What the hell? The last time I had strep was when I was six years old.

I’ve had a sore throat for the last day or two, but I wasn’t terribly concerned about it because I’ve been a little sniffly, which can cause a sore throat, and because otherwise I felt pretty okay. I was tired, but when am I not tired? I am always tired.

But then last night I was like dag, yo, my throat is REALLY hurty. So I grabbed a flashlight and took a look in the mirror and HELLO, angry red giant tonsils.

I went to bed. I woke up forty eleven hundred times because I was dying of thirst. I dragged my ass out of bed this morning and took another look at the throat and HELLO, angrier redder gianter tonsils and scary red dots and all other kinds of scariness.

So I went to the doctor. It’s a good thing my doctor is so awesome since I see him all the time. He looked in my throat and said, “Whoa, both sides look really pissed off.” And I’m like yeah, they feel pretty pissed off, too.

He said that some random virus, RSV, and strep were all going around, and that they’d do the rapid response test for strep first and see how it came back. It came back positive, so that answers that, and here I am with my third course of antibiotics in six weeks.

This Illness-a-Go-Go thing is getting really old. We had a little chat about why in the hell I’ve been so damn sick the last several weeks, and his basic thought is that I’m “just unlucky,” which, thanks, but he also pointed out that pediatric nurses and teachers and such get these strings of illnesses because they can’t isolate themselves from germs and they can’t stay home and each virus weakens their immune system a bit so that the next one has an easier time digging in, and the cold weather and junk going around doesn’t help. This could be what’s happening to me. But he also took some blood to take a peek at my white cells and see if something funky is going on there. We also discussed some ways to boost my immune functions a bit so that I can get over this.

On the one hand, I’m almost relieved to have something that is specific and easily diagnosed, so that I can be treated right away and won’t have to wait it out. Sometimes it’s really frustrating when you don’t feel well and you go to the doctor and he’s like, “Oh, it’s just a virus, wait it out.” I’m like DUDE I WANT DRUGS DAMMIT.

At least I’m completely done with my Christmas shopping, and if the kittens don’t go apeshit on the presents in the next couple of days, they’re all wrapped and ready to deliver. Really, all I have to do this week is finish off some stuff at work and clean the house a bit before I go to Headquarters on Thursday. So I’ll have some down time to rest before the Christmas Whirlwind o’Insanity really gets going.

So, yeah. I have strep throat. If you’ve been around me in the last few days, you probably will have it soon too. Merry Christmas!

The Chronic-what?

The funniest thing I have seen on SNL in years:
Lazy Sunday

It’s Monday

Bizarre Songs I’ve Gotten Stuck In My Head During The Past 48 Hours

  1. “Electric Youth” by Debbie Gibson
  2. The theme song to the Dr. Phil show
  3. “We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off” by Jermaine Stewart
  4. “Lord, I Lift Your Name On High,” by…whoever.

Things About Which I Am Having Issues

  1. My hair. It sucks, and I want to chop it all off.
  2. The dry air, which is causing me to shock myself on almost everything I touch, and is probably the reason why I’m hating my hair.
  3. My skin, because it is totally scaly and itchy and falling off, even though I’m using Dove Nutrium body wash, that Olay Moisturinse in-shower lotion stuff, AND Nivea body lotion after I shower. It’s horrible.
  4. My face, because it’s got the same issues as the skin everywhere else, but it’s prissier than the rest of me and so in addition to being scaly and itchy and falling off, it’s also breaking out like crazy. I may need to switch to all sensitive skin products this winter to try to calm it the fuck down.
  5. Foundation. I wear it daily, but in tiny, TINY amounts – just a dot or two to even out my skin tone. And I’m on like my fourteenth different brand (L’Oreal Infallible, which is, in fact, fallible) and I STILL cannot find one that doesn’t rub off on the nosepiece of my glasses all day long.
  6. My nose, for being extra-cranky and being both oily and dry at the same time, exacerbating the foundation/eyeglasses turf war.

Seriously, though, any guidance on the dry air/angry skin issue is more than welcome. I’m guessing no one can help me with the insane earworm songs.