moody chick
I’m very contemplative and kind of moody today. I got an email last night from a close friend with some bad news, and I called to see how he was doing, and we talked for awhile. He was pretty upset, and it killed me to hear him in such pain and not be able to do anything about it. I’m not much of a fixer, really, but when people I love are hurting, I’d do anything to make that stop. It bothers me so much that I usually cry for them too. But unfortunately there isn’t anything I can do to make things better. There rarely is.
On the way to work today I was thinking about this girl SK whom I was friends with in high school. SK was a really sweet girl, very smart, with a devout loyalty to her faith. (Strangely, her loyalty became such that in college she stopped spending time with people who didn’t share it.) Anyway. We were friends. And one time, near the end of our senior year, she told me that I reminded her of a character in a book she’d read. For the life of me I can’t remember what book it was.
But apparently this woman in this book was really successful in her career, but was always alone. Whether by choice or not, I don’t know. And SK told me that she saw me that way too, that she predicted I’d turn out to be pretty successful but that I might always be alone.
As bad as it looks, she didn’t mean it in a hurtful way. But it has haunted me since she said it, and though I’m still young, I worry about it.
For as long as I’ve known, I’ve never been a part of any social circle. I’m always the one floating on the fringes of two or three different groups. I have a handful of friends, and they all run in different groups, and occasionally I’m invited to join in for some activity or other, and I nearly always go, and I usually have a pretty good time.
But I never have a group of girls I hang out with, or a group of guys, or a group of anyone. It’s always just me, driving in my little blue car to meet someone else’s group. And it’s not that I’m excluded – no one ever causes me to feel this way. It’s just that I’m not a part of that group. And it bothers me sometimes that I don’t have that.
Am I mistaken in thinking that most other people do? Or are more people like me than I think?
I don't think it's weird you feel like that at all. I have felt like that many, many times throughout my life, including being the “friend by default” a great majority of the time, if you know what I mean. Even now, a lot of the times I feel like I'm just lingering on the outside of all of Katrina's friends. It's weird. But you and I can be a group! Do you want to be a group? That would be awesome.
sweet. yes. let's be a group.
Not having a group means nothing except that you're selective about who you spend your time with. And there's nothing wrong with that.
oh great, you and cookie, another group i can be on the fringe of. :)
I have no group. I have always felt that I am forgotten about. And for this reason I always remember the people that everyone else forgets about.In college, people would be going out to do something, and I would be going (not because I was remembered, but because my girlfriend was invited) and everyone would gather and I would say, “Where's Tricia?” And then everyone else would be like oh we forgot, or I thought so-and-so was going to call, or some other rot.Everyone else always forgot to invite her, not because she wasn't fun — she was a blast. Just because for some reason.I always remembered to invite Tricia out. Probably because she was always forgotten about like me.
I had a “group” in high school, but we went to different high schools, so for most of the day I floated between friends. There was sort of one, but not with real loyalty… my two best girlfriends now are in different schools in different parts of the country.
Freshman year, I was a real social go-getter and formed a couple of 'groups,' but for the most part they grew to be better friends without me.
I get the same kinds of predictions, both from friends and my family. One good friend suggested that my kids would hate me — that was a whopper. My dad insists that I'm far too independent for my own good (and that of the future marriage he imagines I'll have). My mom insists I'll never have a steady relationship because I don't know how to compromise enough.
Maybe they're right, but I think if I didn't have my family, who has to care about me, there might not be anyone I got that close with. Sometimes it's nice to have guaranteed entertainment every Friday night. But I think some of us choose independence over the “group” thing subconsciously, and it just shows up in how we act. I'm a floater myself, and I'm super-social. Sometimes I miss the “quadruplets” (now the triplets)… but that's just life.
That made no sense but I'm glad I got to say it anyway.
I'm another always on the fringes. Nobody particularly dislikes me. I'm just not…one of *them* I guess. The best cure is to find a group of other like-minded people who don't belong anyplace else and form your own group. (You and Cookie have a good start!)
Leave it to Lorie to provide stimulating questions and insight!
I had a close group in high school, but did the Community College => Transfer route, so I didn't make it into any dorm bonding groups. I did have a seat in a number of groups, some of whom I am still in contact with today. Being in a popular local band meant that most people knew me and at least gave a cheery 'hi'.
After college, things do change. You're no longer going to class where you meet lots of new people and having lots of spare time to invest in campus/group social occasions. One can feel somewhat isolated, but that just means that everyone else is in basically the same boat.
Hometown just is not the same afterwards with respect to those who are still hanging out from high school, though situations can certainly vary (i.e., NY and other big cities don't have this problem).
And simply moving doesn't change things, because if you talk to people from around the states, there is usually a disconnectedness in most places; “no matter where you go, there you are”.
That being said, some cities might have more people who have the same inclinations as yourself, but how does one define that and seek out said persons?
If you look at yahoo groups, you'll see how people are meeting like-minded people in all sorts of categories, though my mention of it here is in reference to non-romantic categories.
How does one meet a potential love interest? Try to think of all the attributes of a person that will really matter to you in the long run, and think of where those people would be looking for people with the attributes they seek. Or at least places they frequent.
In the mean time, continue to stretch yourself; what non-physical attributes of yourself do you think would appeal to others? In what areas would you like to grow?
I know now is a busy time, but perhaps a list of thought-provoking books to enjoy might be an interesting way to chart a path to stretching yourself, as learning lasts a lifetime.
While it's not too cold yet, are there any outdoors activities in the local area, like hikes or bike tours?
I think you had mentioned volleyball, so when your work-crush melts away in a few weeks, that might be one interesting weekly activity. And don't forget about Aikido, though there are other forms of martial arts that are much more aerobic and just as graceful.
PS. How does one make separate paragraphs in these entries?
**** will
okay duh, no kidding, my html worked but gave you no clue as to how i did itokay it goes <“p
sheesh.
Thanks, Jon! For some reason, I had used instead a few days ago. And geshundheit Mike…
Like -o-m-g!
Like, can I just tell you about how f-ing hot Monica Padilla was in high school? …and how everyone always said she thought I was cute butyouknowhowitgoeswhenyoudon'texactlyhavethesamefriendsanditsjustsoawkardtryingtointroduceyourselfandthenyoustarttothink
O-M-G!
like, am I always this way? Am I like totally useless? AmIreally goodabouttalkingtoanyone?! or does everyonejustlikemeformyPulitzer? …And then college came and the great period when the time priviously spent looking to be part of something was replaced with sexsexsexsexStudyingsex. Ahh… but that was so long ago.
Lorie, I'm the same way – just had a big talk with a girl two nights ago about the same thing. I'll send email on it.
Will, “<” br