It has been decided.

Ginny and I will be attending the radio-sponsored Boo Bash tonight dressed as Rubik’s Cubes.

It’s less than $15 and I bet no one else will think of it. Possibly because everyone else will think it’s lame, but dammit, we don’t think it’s lame. We think “holy shit, this is genius.” It was Ginny’s idea.

I will be the “solved” one and she will be the “unsolved” one. Mainly because I’m lazy and pulled the older sister card and forced her to make the more difficult costume. I’m just putting giant pieces of poster board on my box and taping off the squares. She has to actually cut out 45 squares and mix them up.

I have this fear, though, that because I used rubber cement to attach the poster board to my box, that I’m going to get too close to a bar patron with a cigarette and I’m going to go up in flames. I hope that doesn’t happen because it would suck.

I worked on it last night while I was watching CBS and all I have left to do this afternoon is tape off my squares. Then we’re going to use bandannas and face paints to match our heads to the squares on the top of the cube. Voila. And goddammit, we’d better win something for this.

It’s the first time I’ve made a Halloween costume in years and I forgot how much fun it can be. High hilarity ensued throughout the night as I:

• Grossly misjudged the size of my head and got the box stuck on it while trying to put it on;

• Almost cut myself sawing through it with a steak knife;

• Got my arm stuck in it and had to be assisted;

• Contemplated making a cup holder in the corner of the top of the box where I could put my drink and use a bendy straw to sip throughout the night;

• Shooed the cats out of it more than once;

• And other hijinks!

Also, I’m getting a well-overdue haircut today. The Carol Brady mullet is in its death throes this morning. Rock on!

Wish us luck tonight – we can win stuff like a portable DVD player, drugs, a digital camera, hookers, or money. I’ll post pictures if they come out well.

Happy Halloween!

5 Things That Make Me Sorta Tomboyish

1. I like watching sports, especially in person, and I can speak somewhat coherently about football, basketball, and hockey. Especially hockey. My dad was a goalie and I really know that game better than any other.

2. And I don’t want to have a conversation while the game’s on unless it’s about the game.

3. I play video games and computer games – not just girly games, but games where people get blown to bits and it’s all gory and stuff. I used to be all about some Unreal Tournament, and StarCraft.

4. I read comic books. I even own some. Favorites are Preacher, The Sandman, and Watchmen, and I have read them in their entirety. Sometimes more than once.

5. I know slightly more about cars and tools than the average girl. I can fix some stuff and change a tire.

5 Things That Make Me Really Girly, and Thus Negate the Cool Tomboy Factor

1. If I don’t have a vested interest in either team, I will sometimes root for the team with the hottest players, or the coolest uniforms.

2. I have allegedly screamed “SCORE SOME POINTS, FOR GODSSAKE” while watching a certain Cubs game. Recently.

3. I never got into Sega/Playstation, and sometimes find even N64 to be too graphics-y for my tastes. Also, I really like The Sims. Like, a lot. Like, Kronk gave me an advance copy of the original Sims for my birthday and I skipped class for two days to play it.

4. I have crushes on Morpheus and Jesse Custer.

5. The first time I changed a tire by myself, I put every single lug nut on backward. The mechanic laughed as he helpfully informed me.

Oh yeah, and I really like pink.

I am Hairy Sweater Girl today.

I am also like 87 years old, as I am wearing a zip-up hooded long-sleeved sweater over a short-sleeved sweater. And the zip-up sweater is a total hair magnet. Luckily it’ll probably come off later, because it’s supposed to be warm today. But right now it isn’t.

So I’ve been really, really tense lately. When you touch my upper back it feels like a rock, and although I have more muscle in my upper back than most girls my age (from 10 years of flags), this is a combination of muscle and extreme tension.

Last night I was commenting on it and Ginny felt it and was like “whoa, I need to give you a back massage.” ‘Cause see, Ginny’s really really good at that. She can do the whole deep-tissue thing or whatever. She has strong hands.

So while she was rubbing out the knots in my shoulders last night she started to tell me that I needed to drink a lot of water when she was done because if I didn’t, then these toxins or something would get out and swim around and make me achy and bruisey, but if I drank water the toxins would go away. I don’t know if this is true or not but I drank a half a bottle of water, which was probably not enough, because I am in fact achy and bruisey this morning. But not quite so tense.

The toxins are eating my muscles.

Sammi got in my bed and farted on me this morning. Twice. If that’s not sisterly love I don’t know what is.

Oh!! I have an Actual Good Entry coming up later today, but before that –

Ginny and I want to enter this costume contest downtown tomorrow, and we need to come up with some kickass costumes that cost less than $15 to make. Help us!

So Cookie and I did the speed-dating thing on Friday night. She’s out of the closet about it now, and it’s a good thing, because we were on the 11:00 news. They spelled my name wrong, and didn’t include Cookie’s at all. But according to the fifty gazillion people who have called/IMed me this weekend to let me know that they saw me, we were on two networks, with a few teasers and then the actual story, and we looked wonderful. Woo. I’m a celebrity. The starfucker line starts right over there.

No, but seriously, we had an awesome time. They’re supposed to email us our matches, if we got any, later today. I listed a few people but was not among those who felt such an immediate connection after sixty seconds that they a)ditched the place with their newfound love or b)hooked up in the corner with said love.

We also met some slightly less-than-cool people, such as:

• The first guy I talked to, who stood about 4’11″ and looked about 15 and talked mostly about the McDonald’s where he worked.

• The three or four guys who asked me if I had children before they even asked my name. I’m like “hell no!” and they’re like “I have three!” and I’m like “That’s great!”

• The bald firefighter who told me I had nice breasts. I said “thanks, I like them a lot!” because what else do you say to that?

• Beeeenjamin Mooooooooore, who loves him some NASCAR, and who followed us around for awhile after the meet & greet portion.

• The guy whose mom signed him up to do the event. He told me that his hair used to be 13 inches long in the back but that she’d forced him to go get it all cut to the same length on Friday afternoon. So I’m standing there thinking “holy shit, you’re a former mullet!” And then later that night, he came up to me and babbled something about graphic design for awhile before closing with this winner: “I hope your evening is as enchanting as you are.” Well, thanks.

• The one guy who spent our entire minute talking about the VT game last week.

Also, many of my introductions were “So you’re the one with the terrible handwriting!” as Cookie was right in front of me and I’d written her name tag and done so badly. I then had to show them my name tag to prove that I’m quite capable of writing my own name legibly but not so good with others after a few drinks.

That was kind of funny though.

After the sixty second meet & greet portion, we had a break and then were split into groups for a very kindergarten-ish costume contest for prizes. My group won second prize for putting this stunningly original costume together:

• Upper torso and head wrapped in toilet paper;

• Aluminum foil wrapped diaper-style around pelvic region;

• nipples and bellybutton drawn on toilet paper with a Sharpie that I stole from the registration table;

• The words “DICK MUMMY” written on his head, to go with-

• The giant erection we made out of aluminum foil and garnished with a red bow.

This costume sucked, people. Other groups made things like a martini glass and didn’t beat us. We made a giant dick and won hockey tickets. Not that I’m complaining, because I love hockey. But seriously – we did not earn that prize. First place was the Statue of Liberty – far cooler.

I stopped drinking really early and sobered up, but was incredibly hyper, so I spent much of the night dancing like a complete spaz, breaking out the Hammer Dance at least twice.

We had a blast, though. Our great time definitely outweighed the potential geek factor of participating in a speed dating event. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Edited to add: holy SHIT, I just checking my account balance online and there is a $35 charge from the bar on Friday night. Thinking I definitely wasn’t so drunk as to miss spending $35 on booze, I found the receipt. $17, which was reasonable. My two beers at $3 each, a double I owed someone, and a tip. Something’s not right.

So I called the bar and they do that thing when you run a tab where they charge $35 as a precaution. Fuck that, man, I almost never run tabs and never will again. At least I didn’t accidentally spend $35 on liquor, though.

I’m having a fat morning.

I’ve mentioned this to two people already today, and then like a tool I say, “I hope it clears up before afternoon.”

Like it’s a zit on my head or something.

Just my luck, now I’ll get one.

Hey, my sister is off crutches, woo! She might even get to play next Thursday.

And also: last night as I walked in the door, Ginny was watching I Love The 80s Strikes Back, which I have not yet had an opportunity to see, and she goes “hey look, it’s DOUBLE DARE!”

And we seriously screamed like we were at a New Kids on the Block concert, circa 1990.

Oh, wait – that actually happened. In 1990.

And Sammi is all like “Oh yeah, and remember Family Double Dare and What Would You Do?”

Ginny and I were frantic. “NO, dude, it’s all about DOUBLE DARE. The original. Physical challenge! And the obstacle course and the flags and and and OH MY GOD!!! You’re too young to remember Double Dare!”

We are spazzazoids.

If some network was rerunning old episodes of Double Dare we’d watch that shit every day.

And Fun House. I really liked Fun House for some reason.

You know, Discovery Kids on NBC has a really convoluted sort of Survivor-like show for kids on Saturday mornings, and it’s not like I watch it every weekend or anything, but it’s not all that bad.

Original Survivor, though? Holy Jebus, this is my boyfriend:

Sam and I are fighting over him, but I have dibs, as I am older. He is too old for her.

Hi, I’m Lorie, and I’m shallow.