1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I will respond; I’ll ask you five questions.
3. You’ll update your website with my five questions, and your five answers.
4. You’ll include this explanation.
5. You’ll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.
Questions, courtesy of Kruxy:
1. Will that be Cash or Credit? Do you have a second ID on you?
I almost never carry cash, unless I know that I’m going somewhere where I cannot pay with my check card. Cash has a way of disappearing damn quick when I’m carrying it, and then I never know what I’ve acquired with it.
As far as a second ID is concerned, if I have my bag with me, my wallet contains my VA driver’s license, my staff ID, and my college ID. The staff ID is a joke and I’ve almost never been asked to use it; furthermore, my picture looks like a funhouse mirror. My college ID, on the other hand, is quite handy for student discounts at the movies and stuff, even though I graduated two years ago. And that picture kicks ass. If I’m at a bar or somewhere where I’m not carrying my bag, then I’ll have my driver’s license and my check card, which will usually suffice as a second ID if I need one.
2. If choosing the circumstances was up to you, how would you die?
Instantaneously, with lots of blood. A freakish accident would be preferable to foul play. I’d damn well better make the evening news, at the very least, and if I’m a teaser for the evening news and THEN the lead story? Even better. Breaking into Thursday-night programming would be ideal, but I’d have to be a hell of a lot more famous than I am now in order for that to occur. And I don’t particularly want to be famous. I just want to die in a horrific and newsworthy way that doesn’t require me to be in horrific and newsworthy pain.
3. If you were in dire straits, would you resort to cannibalism?
Yeah, probably. I think I’d want someone else to man the grill that day, though. I went to elementary school in Colorado, where Alferd Packer Day was all the rage. We put on plays about it and everything. Also, I hate that his name looks like it’s spelled wrong. I’m anal, and it really bugs me.
4. Detective or Stalker, what do you plan on doing with all of your dug up information?
Heh, about you, you mean? I’ll probably just sit on it until I sense that it might be useful for blackmail purposes or something. Or I’ll find a way to use it to curry favor. Or if I get bored one day I’ll show up outside your house. Drunk. Should I be doing something with it? Like I said on your page, I think, I originally dug it all up to confirm your gender (dude? chick? dude, definitely. no, wait. chick? no, dude. definitely.) and then it suddenly became useful in another way when you challenged readers to do exactly what I’d done. Oh, and I prefer “Super Sleuth.”
5. What’s Oprah like off the air? Is she a bitch?
I was on Oprah in 1998 along with some of my marching band for their scholarship award show. They wanted the band to be kind of a pep band and they placed the colorguard (4 of us) directly on the stage, making arches with our flags for each scholarship winner to walk through as they were announced. So I wasn’t actually a “guest,” although I did get more screen time than anyone else in the band, since I was in the camera frame with each of the 50 students. I’m solemnly on-screen for about 20 minutes. Oh, and I got hair and makeup, as did the other 3 girls, and no one in the band did. Neener.
Oprah didn’t do anything specifically bitchy during my time at Harpo Studios, although I’ve heard rumors. I didn’t have much of an opportunity to chill with her but did chat with her very briefly as she wanted to do an “entrance” with the band and I was directly behind her. She was slightly taller than I am but wearing gigantic boots and 5432 pounds of makeup. She didn’t appear until the floor manager was about to countdown to camera and then she just kind of materialized from a back room somewhere. It was obvious that her staff was in complete awe of her, whether from fear or respect or both, it’s hard to tell. They spoke of her in hushed tones – “Oprah prefers it this way; Oprah wants it to look like this.”
We had kind of a crappy experience where we didn’t get to stay for the entire taping, as the producers hustled our asses out of the studio to make room for the scholarship recipients right after our segment was taped. She sent along coffee mugs for everyone a day or two later.
We did a couple of other TV appearances in my years there, and I found the WGN morning show hosts to be the coolest of everyone we worked with, I think. Plus, we got to hang out and change clothes on the Bozo the Clown set. Rock on.
So there you have it, kids. Leave me a comment if you’d like to be interviewed and I’ll hook you up with five questions of your very own.