My mom was in a really bad mood all weekend, so I started calling her Meanmom, because nothing cheers your mom up like a derogatory nickname. So I’d be like “Hey Meanmom, don’t forget to pick up fabric softener at the store,” and “Meanmom, here’s the sunscreen you wanted.”
Meanmom and Dad and Sam and Jay all left for vacation today. Ginny and I are going to meet them on Thursday, but in the meantime I’m freaking the hell out and allegedly keeping a house together, which means feeding our 9 million animals, as well as Spot the Invader, who is this random spotted cat who showed up at our house this weekend and won’t leave. And I also somehow got roped into feeding the Colombian Chicken Cartel next door. Don’t ask, man. I have no idea how I agreed to become a chickensitter.
Oh, last night I decided it would be a good idea to pretend to be a fencer, and I tried to fence Meanmom with a pair of needlenose pliers. But she wasn’t down, so I changed tactics and pinched her ass with them. Then she hit me on the arm and THEN after I chased her into her room, she found a box of thumbtacks and chased me with them, threatening to thumbtack me. Meanmom doesn’t make idle threats. She had to take my dad to the emergency room when she was 8 months pregnant with me, because he tickled her once too often and she chased him around the house, leaped over a couch and hit him so hard with a rolling pin that she had to take him to the hospital. So I had to go get reinforcements, which came in the form of Sammi with a water bottle. Sam sprayed her and I pinched her, but then she threatened to leave Sam at home when they all went on vacation, and my ho of a sister turned on me and attacked ME with the water bottle.
My family is crazed.