Meanmom Attacks!

My mom was in a really bad mood all weekend, so I started calling her Meanmom, because nothing cheers your mom up like a derogatory nickname. So I’d be like “Hey Meanmom, don’t forget to pick up fabric softener at the store,” and “Meanmom, here’s the sunscreen you wanted.”

Meanmom and Dad and Sam and Jay all left for vacation today. Ginny and I are going to meet them on Thursday, but in the meantime I’m freaking the hell out and allegedly keeping a house together, which means feeding our 9 million animals, as well as Spot the Invader, who is this random spotted cat who showed up at our house this weekend and won’t leave. And I also somehow got roped into feeding the Colombian Chicken Cartel next door. Don’t ask, man. I have no idea how I agreed to become a chickensitter.

Oh, last night I decided it would be a good idea to pretend to be a fencer, and I tried to fence Meanmom with a pair of needlenose pliers. But she wasn’t down, so I changed tactics and pinched her ass with them. Then she hit me on the arm and THEN after I chased her into her room, she found a box of thumbtacks and chased me with them, threatening to thumbtack me. Meanmom doesn’t make idle threats. She had to take my dad to the emergency room when she was 8 months pregnant with me, because he tickled her once too often and she chased him around the house, leaped over a couch and hit him so hard with a rolling pin that she had to take him to the hospital. So I had to go get reinforcements, which came in the form of Sammi with a water bottle. Sam sprayed her and I pinched her, but then she threatened to leave Sam at home when they all went on vacation, and my ho of a sister turned on me and attacked ME with the water bottle.

My family is crazed.

Comments 5

  • Yes, you missed GOOD TIMES Saturday night. Oh, well. We need to hang out – after you get paid – and you need to destress, I think. Sorry everything is so… well, fucked, with your job right now. Have you heard anything in regards to gaining your old boss's position? I hope so. Try to have a good Monday, okay?

  • let's all quit our jobs and move to europe. or east asia. or new zealand. or we could just go camping. as long as we quit our jobs first.

  • word to that. i have spent the morning fretting and cruising job listings…what i need is a gigantic cocktail and a shot in the head.

  • let' s invade new zealand and create a blog/diarist colony. it would be crazy. so crazy in fact, that it just might work… * rubs chin*

  • Mike, at least those of us in the IT profession might as well move overseas–that's where all our jobs are going (including mine, one of these days). Lorie, I love your family! Your stories remind me of mine when we were kids, and when we get together even now.

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