We Are Not the Partridge Family

I was not in the room while this happened, but apparently last night while the fam was watching American Juniors, my mother said, “It’s a good thing none of you has any talent, because I don’t know how I could deal with it on a show like this.”

I wish I’d seen the looks on their faces. They were all shocked and awed. Promptly after that, Sam came and tattled to me, so I went in and said, “You’re such a bad mom. What would we do without you?”

Oh, it was also her birthday. But it was all in fun. You’ve gotta understand how bizarre my family is to truly appreciate that about us, I think. We rip on each other all the time.

Also? We are too talented. Nyah.

…well. Maybe.

Along those lines, people have this fucked-up tendency, when they hear that all four of us sing and play instruments, to suggest that we form a group. One time, someone even tried to get us all to break into “Amazing Grace,” a cappella, right there on the spot.

I’d have told him to go to hell if we hadn’t been in a church at the time.

As it was, I think my withering look of death shut that idea right down.

We’re not gonna be the fucking Partridge Family. Thanks. Or the Judds, for that matter. Because you know what, jackasses? The Judds are a mother and daughter group, not a sister group, and anyway, both Naomi and Wynonna are crazy-ass freaks. No one’s ever suggesting that we be, like, The Pointer Sisters or anything. Are they even really sisters? I don’t know.

But anyway. We’re not forming a singing group. I’m a soprano, Ginny is an alto (I think), Sammi sings like Cher or Cartman, depending on her mood, and Jay is a diva. So that doesn’t work. We’re not forming any sort of instrumental group, either, because trumpet, saxophone, baritone, and flute is what I call one fucked-up quartet, and also, I’m a terrible flute player and haven’t touched it for years. So, no.

I’m just sayin’.

Also, I got a phone call yesterday. I was driving home and I didn’t recognize the number, so I didn’t answer it. So he left a message, but it was just like, “I told you I’d call. Here’s my number,” so I’m not sure why he called. So I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to call back or not, because I am a freak like that. Anyway.

Back to the point. We are not the Partridge Family.

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