I Asked For It

Today I present you with yet another chronicle of how I learned a new word and used it in a completely wrong way.

It was during the first few weeks of my first-ever real job at a certain burger joint. I’ve talked before about my struggles to fit in with the other workers (mostly juvies and dropouts) at this job.

So. I was working on a summer afternoon. The restaurant was empty and managers were nowhere to be seen. I was standing at a counter where they made burgers, kind of zoning out, when two of my male coworkers snuck up behind me.

They scared the living shit out of me. I must have jumped a mile in the air. They were laughing at me.

I wanted to be cool, and I needed to cover my embarrassment with a joke of some sort. I thought I’d make a joke out of the (somewhat true) idea that I thought they were sneaking up on me with the intent of beating me up.

So here’s what I said:

“Oh my god, you scared the hell out of me. Are you guys gonna gangbang me or something?”

.

.

.

Yeah. I really said that.

While alone in a new workplace where I didn’t know anyone, I asked two guys if they were going to gangbang me.

Because, see, I thought that gangbanging was when a bunch of people ganged up on someone and beat him/her up.

Seriously. I really thought that.

I have never seen two people look more surprised. One of them said, “Hey, we didn’t think you were that kind of girl,” and the other said, “Well, if you really wanted us to I guess we could arrange it.”

And that was when I realized that I’d said something dumb again. So I was all like “dudes, I was totally joking, you should have seen the looks on your faces” and tried to be all cool about the whole thing.

But they looked at me like I was a freak, and brought it up a few more times while we all still worked together.

I had to look the word up on the internet when I got home that day, because I had no idea what it meant.

And then I learned.

Seriously, I was the most ridiculously naive teenager to ever walk the planet. You guys have no idea.

And HOLY FUCK there is a spider by my desk.

GAAAAAAAAAH.

He was black and he just crawled under the window trim and I hate spiders soooo very much.

FUCK. He’s back.

I just tried to kill him and he ran back under the trim.

Okay. Mission time.

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