When I was a kid, I was awful. Completely awful. It’s a wonder my parents didn’t drown me in the river. It’s even more of a wonder that, after all the torture I caused them, they went and had three more daughters.
I was “gifted.” Or possessed by demons – you decide. My mother was only 22 when she had me, and since I was her first, she didn’t know that all the shit I used to pull wasn’t normal. Like how I used to pour all the shampoo and conditioner and laundry detergent down the drains. Every. single. day. My parents had to switch to the cheap shit because I’d pour, on average, a bottle out a day.
I enjoyed carrying barybabe around by her ankle like a frozen turkey when she was a newborn and I was two. I also used to lock her into other rooms a lot. I think my parents went through a lot of credit cards breaking her out of prison.
I threw fits. Big ones. Big stomping, screaming temper tantrums on the floor in the middle of the mall. They walked away and left me once. Damned abandoning parents.
Oh, and also? When I’d get in trouble, I’d be sent to my room and I’d open the window and scream out of it until the neighbors called our house or came over and asked what the fuck was going on. My mom’s all, “yeah, she’s kind of dramatic.”
True dat, Mom. True dat.
I had some imaginary friends. One was named Susan. She lived behind my door and had a bunch of white horses. Once my mom was away for something or other and when she came back she asked what we’d done while she was gone. I told her Susan came over and spent the night. Problem was, my dad once had a girlfriend named Susan. I bet he had fun explaining that one. “No, it’s her imaginary friend! I swear!”
Orange Triaminic cough syrup was really good. Those child-proof caps were no match for me. I drank a lot of that stuff.
I used to beat other kids up when I was, like, 2. I don’t know. They made me mad, probably.
When I was ten or so I created an evil twin to blame all my bad deeds on. Her name was Sinead, because bald women are scary!
But no one would ever believe me when I said Sinead did it.
Anyway. I was really awful.