To the Class of 2003

It has come to my attention that my template looks craptastic in Netscape. Sorry ’bout that – I’m not quite skilled enough with html to know why it doesn’t work, or how to fix it, and I’ll likely be changing it soon anyway. Also, bite me, mail.com!

Something I meant to write about this weekend is how much graduation speeches tend to suck. Speeches given by graduating students, in particular – both high school and college. And I know, I know – it’s really difficult to craft a graduation speech that isn’t all trite and such, but still, I sometimes wonder if people are even trying.

Take this weekend. I attended the commencement ceremony because I have some seniors who are graduating this year and they wanted to see me there. All four of the class officers were allowed to give speeches. Here are highlights, and I’m really not exaggerating – some of these are direct quotes:

Speaker #1

“Blah, blah, something about how everything in my dorm room is in a ten foot radius from my bed, and also, I want all of you to know that I’m too lazy to walk down the hall to the bathroom, so sometimes I just sit at my desk and hold it, oh and also? Sheetz has killer food.”

Speaker #2

“Blah, blee, my parents are my best friends, and I also really love Sheetz.” And then she passed along a mildly funny quote about how now is the best time to ask your parents for money.

Speaker #3

“As I look back upon my four years at X College, it occurs to me that we have all shared some really important and life-changing events that we will remember forever. September 11th. Quarter drafts at Trotter’s…” I can’t remember a single word she said after that because I was in absolute shock that the TWO life-changing events she put in her speech were a national tragedy and cheap beer at a dive bar. And she juxtaposed them.

Speaker #4insert heavy valley-girl dialect

“Today. Is special. (pause) College. Was magical. (pause) We. Are ready. For the real world.” Et cetera. I. Totally Practiced. Sounding this profound. In front of my mirror. This morning.

Is it really that hard to write a brief commencement speech that doesn’t sound like utter shit?

I know I’m jaded and all, because I’ve been to many, many graduations – my own, my sister’s, and the many where I was with the band. And I know that every person graduating feels that this moment is incredibly magical and special, the closing of one chapter, the opening of another, and all that crap. But please, Class of 2003, I beg of you – when you sit down to write that speech, try to say something that fifty million graduates haven’t already said.

Side note: the “official” graduation speaker also sucked duck wang, and so Boss and I went on a quest to find our dream graduation speaker.

After long deliberation, we have chosen – Eddie Izzard.

I would pay money to attend my OWN graduation to hear him speak. For real.

Thank you, and congratulations on this momentous occasion. Or something like that.

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