Product Whore

Confession: I am a total product whore. Hair-styling products, in particular, are one of my greatest vices. I don’t know what to do about it, and I’m not entirely sure that I could stop it, or if I even want to stop it.

Now, I have pretty good hair, very thick and healthy, and back in the day it used to be super-long too. But it was kind of curly. Not TOO curly, but a little curly. And I wanted it to be stick-straight and not frizzy. So the hunt for the perfect product began.

When I was in college, I went to several different (cheap) places to get hair cuts, and every time I’d go to one and the hair cutter would finish, if I liked the way it looked I’d buy whatever s/he had used on my head that day. So I accumulated all kinds of random things: Rusk Str8, Cost Cutters Texturizing Lotion, Paul Mitchell something-or-other, and then I’d ALSO try to get the drugstore versions of a million different things. Neutrogena Heatsafe, which worked really well for awhile. John Frieda Frizz-Ease. Physique Curl Definer, when I decided I’d just go with the curl. Some sort of L’Oreal gel in a red bottle. On and on. And then it wouldn’t work, or it would make my hair heavy or greasy or sticky or too curly or too straight or even frizzier, and I’d stop using it. But I wouldn’t give it away.

Lately, since I’ve entrusted my tresses to Jonathan I’ve scaled back a bit on what I try to use on my head, but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped buying stuff. Example: my one daily hair product is TIGI’s Bed Head Manipulator, which kicks serious ass, but recently I’ve bought some stuff from the Beach Blonde line (despite the fact that I am neither beachy nor blonde) and I flirt with various pomades and other styling aids every time I go to the store.

Then I started doing it with lotions. Jergen’s. Nivea. Vaseline Intensive Care. Bath and Body Works Plumeria, Sun-Ripened Raspberry, and Candy Apple. Suave. Swiss Therapy. Different kinds of Suave, again. Another scent of Jergen’s. Two kinds of Nivea. Johnson & Johnson’s Baby Lotion. J&J Bedtime Lotion. I was out of control.

I have a 20-gallon Rubbermaid storage tote full of hair products and lotions that I never use. I currently have four active tubes of mascara, because I can’t settle on which one makes my lashes the blackest and least clumpy. I can’t stop buying lipstick even though I almost never wear it. I know that Johnson & Johnson’s Baby Lotion is my favorite and should become the gold standard for Lorie Legs, but I’m still tempted to go astray when I walk down the lotion aisle at a store.

I bought blue eyeliner the other day. Blue. Eyeliner. Why? Because it was on sale. I also have yellow eyeliner and aqua eyeliner. Who the fuck wears yellow eyeliner? What on earth was I thinking? It’s like the secret Lorie within wants to be a freakshow 70s disco queen or something, when the external Lorie wears Ann Taylor separates and shades her eyes exclusively with sparse neutrals.

If blindfolded, I can identify any shampoo brand found on the shelves at Target, Wal*Mart or the like by scent alone. I can even identify the L’Oreal Vive line, though I’ve never bought it or used it on my own head. I can identify the Mary-Kate and Ashley shampoo, for heaven’s sake. Why? Because I regularly spend at least ten minutes of every shopping excursion smelling shampoos. I spent like $25 on some TIGI shampoo and conditioner designed to make my hair straight, but now I never use it. Why? Because it made my hair TOO STRAIGHT.

I am such a freak, seriously.

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