I get off work at 1 on Fridays, and today I decided to stop at BK and get lunch. So I ate my italian chicken combo and came back out to the car. I pushed the little unlock button and went to open the door, and just as I opened it, I saw a suspiciously familiar big-ass black hairy spider hauling ass at me from the back door.
Sure, it could have been a completely different humungadunga black spider, but it was Spidey. I know because he said in a tiny spider voice, “Thought you killed me, eh bitch?”
I stood there quaking in fear. Then I dove into the car and grabbed a handful of napkins, knowing that they wouldn’t do the job. Then I slammed the door and stood there facing off with Spidey.
I decided that it would be a really good idea to kick him off the car with my foot. So the Timberlake Road entertainment of the day was the motorists watching short little me standing outside my car kicking in the general area of the window on the back door. That’s some majorly high kicking for my short-ass legs. Also, I missed Spidey every time and once he RAN ACROSS MY SHOE.
Spidey 1, Lorie 0.
He was all like “BOO-YAH.”
And then in a moment of true bravery, I lunged forward and punched him with the wad of napkins, screaming “DIE, FUCKWAD!”
I hit him. He did that thing where you curl all your legs up against you (if you’re a spider) and fell off the car, crying “NOOOOOoooooooo!”
Spidey 1, Lorie TKO! TAKE THAT!
But then I couldn’t find his body. So now I’m all afraid that he was faking me out and playing dead, and then crawled under my car while I was getting settled.
I guess if I encounter another humungadunga black spider in a few days and he has a suspicious limp, I’ll know it’s Spidey.
And then it’s really gonna be on.